So This Is Christmas

I have always liked John Lennon's "Happy Christmas."  Today as I look at my list of to-dos and the piles all over the house, I can't help but think of the lyrics.

So this is Christmas and what have you done?  Another year over and a new one just begun.  So happy Christmas, I hope you had fun.  The near and the dear one, the old and the young.

This was a weird Christmas.  My father-in-law is still recovering from his surgery and wasn't feeling well enough to come up.  It was the first time in 11 years that we haven't had everyone together on Christmas morning.  Then, the kids are finally at an age where all they wanted were expensive electronics, so a couple ipods, a nook, a video game, and a few miscellaneous items and that was all the presents.  Then there is the daunting facts that New Years is a week away and making you look back and evaluate last years' goals.  It's just been strange.

I have so many hopes for the next year.  So many changes I want to make within myself.  So many plans.  And yet, right now, I just feel stuck.  I feel like the list is so long and the goals are so big that I can't figure out where to start and so rather than start somewhere, I sit, frozen, being frustrated that I haven't begun. 

So next year when I hear, "So this is Christmas and what have you done?"  I hope to have answers I want to hear.  I hope that I figured out a place to start.  And I hope that I had a smile on my face along the way.

Trying to juggle it all...

I wish I wrote on here more.  I wish I captured the little moments that I will want to remember.  But, instead, I feel like I am in the middle of a juggling act and at any moment, may drop something and be booed off stage.

Dawson is doing amazing.  It's been three months since his surgery and if you look at him, you'd never know.  His hair has almost grown in to cover the scar.  He is back to most all of his activities.  It's like nothing happened.  He is doing well in school.  I can't believe he is half way through 2nd grade.  Where is the time going?!  The best part about Dawson is you never know what he is going to say next.  I wish I had written them all down, but instead of being filled with sadness and regret, I will just make it a goal to be better at it.

Colton is doing great too.  Last weekend we went to Prescott for the tree lighting ceremony and during a snowball fight, Uncle Ken fell on him and broke his thumb, but that is just life and another little hiccup along the way.  It is his 6th broken bone and I am just wondering what number he is going for.  He is doing wonderful in school and just had his choir concert that made me smile to watch. 

Since going to work full time, I have pretty much felt like a crazy person most days.  I hate grocery shopping at night, I miss time with James and feel like a tornado went through my house.  On the flip side though, I love the kids I work with and it would break my heart if they didn't get help.  Overall, although I have always had an appreciation for my mom and working moms, it has opened my eyes just a little more to some of the sacrifices.  And it's hard at night when my kids want help with homework or reading and I am so burnt out that I just don't feel like it.  Luckily, I was blessed with James who goes above and beyond anything I could have ever imagined for a husband and a father and he helps me keep it together.

James is doing pretty good.  Work is good and he has stopped doing so much side work so he would have more time with his dad.  Right now his dad is in the hospital, 5 days post-surgery from having his lower jaw removed to try and beat cancer.  It is amazing what doctors can do and we are praying constantly that it was successful.  A couple of weeks ago, James went on his elk hunt without his dad.  That was the first time he ever went hunting without him and it was really difficult.  This entire process has been hard on him and I wish more than anything that I could make it better.

There are so many things I would like a do-over on, keeping up on my blog being one of them, but the past is the past and I can only look forward, so I am going to throw one more ball in the air, see if I catch it, and try to be better about catching life's moments.

Keeping Perspective

Today has been rough.  My emotions are all over the place.  Tomorrow we take Dawson down for blood work and so he can get a hospital tour and it just makes it all very real.  The closer it gets, the more I don't want to do it.  Although after the scare on Friday when he tested positive for strep and the possibility of having to postpone everything, I know I just want to get it over with.

It has been interesting to see how people handle me and this situation.  Some are calling and checking often, others are there when I need to just cry, others sending me messages, but unsure of what to do or say so keeping their distance.  I know everyone handles things different and so I am trying hard not to take it personally when someone doesn't show as much concern as I hoped they would.  On a positive note, I am completely humbled by how many people are praying for Dawson and for me during this time and so blessed to have so many great people in my life.

I worry about Colton during all of this too.  I know Dawson is the one going in, but Colton is the one left home, worrying, without James or I here to assure him.  My mom is great and will be with him the entire time, but he is just my sensitive, sweet soul who takes it upon himself when he sees others hurting.  I have tried to be strong around him, but he sees my tears well up and gives me a great hug.

So, to the perspective part.  This entire journey, I have tried to stay positive and remind myself that this is something fixable and not terminal.  That he will be in the hospital for 6 days, not 6 weeks or months doing cancer treatments.  And that there is a purpose for all of this.  On Saturday, my grandpa's new wife called and said they got Dawson a little something and they were hoping to see him before the surgery, so we went over the next day to visit.  This happens to be my grandpa who lost his leg two years ago to diabetes complications.  As we were leaving, they told Dawson they would be praying for him this week to which he replied, "And I'll be praying your leg grows back!"  It's all about keeping perspective.

I Knew This Day Would Come

Today I got the news I have known would eventually come....Dawson needs surgery. When Dawson was just over 2 years old, we found out he had a Chiari Malformation. In layman's terms, his brain stem herniated through an opening at the base of his skull and is compressing his spinal cord. Thankfully, we see a phenomenal neurosurgeon that has been watching Dawson since 2006 and waiting for the benefits of surgery to outweigh the risks. We are there. Dawson has now developed a cyst on his spinal cord from the lack of spinal fluid flowing and if we don't do anything, there can be long term damage up to paralysis.

The craziest part about today is that I was alone when I got the news. When Dawson first started getting his MRIs, James and I went together. They take about 4 hours each time and it was worrisome. As we got use to the feelings, I started taking him alone and James stayed with Colton so he didn't always feel like he was being shuffled. But, we have always gone to the follow up appointment together. It is better for us both to hear the information so we can bounce our questions off each other when we get home. Well this year, the day our appointment was scheduled, the doctors office called and had to reschedule. The only day available before school started was today. A day James was on shift. I told him that I had a feeling I would get some sort of big news since he wouldn't be there. You know what they say about a mother's intuition...

So here I am now. Numb, scared, questioning and yet thankful and confident. It is a very strange combination of emotions and I am sure it is only the beginning.

One Week and Counting

It has been one week since James left for the Wallow fire. It's been a crazy week, a sleep deprived week, a stressful week and yet somehow I still feel like I am holding it together.

Last Friday James was on overtime at the lake and called me at 1:00pm to tell me he had just gotten the call to go to a wildfire near Alpine. It had started just a couple days ago and was growing fast, but since his longest deployment to date was four days, I told him it was a great opportunity and to go for it. He came home, got his stuff together, said goodbye and was gone by 3:00pm. That night I waited up for his call until 1:00am when he finally pulled into base camp and I felt like he was safe enough that I could sleep. That was day 1.

Day 2 was the day we had planned to celebrate Dawson's birthday with the family. I didn't want it to be any more apparent to the boys that dad was gone (or that he was more than likely going to miss Dawson's birthday) so we tried to maintain normalcy. The day was great. We went and saw Kung Fu Panda 2, barbecued, had cake and opened presents. Later that night, the boys and I went to church and everyone was doing good.

Day 3 was the day I stopped watching the news. The fire was growing quickly. The governor had visited and decided to use words like devastating and frightening. It was a long day (Sunday's are always long when James is on shift too) but I heard from James late that night, so I was good.

Day 4 was busy, but was only just the beginning. It was my first day of summer tutoring. I am working with 29 kids for 13 hours a week to help them with reading and math over the summer. Colton was also in basketball camp in the morning, so I had to beg my mom to hang out with Dawson while I was gone. I am definitely blessed to have family and friends around that are willing to help. That afternoon when I got home, one of the battalion chiefs called to check on us and also to ask me if I would consider talking to a news reporter about what life is like for the families at home while the firefighters are deployed. For some crazy reason, I said yes and cleaned the house the rest of the night.

Day 5 was tutoring and basketball camp, then I raced home for my 5 minutes of fame interview with Channel 5 and after we had some friends over to play on the water slide and have dinner for Dawson's birthday. The day wouldn't have been complete without throwing in a late night basketball practice for Colton though, so we made sure to squeeze that in too.

Day 6 was Dawson's actual birthday. Colton did a great job making him feel special in the morning and James was able to call and wish him "Happy Birthday." After tutoring and basketball, we met some friends at Peter Piper and they were sweet enough to get him a little gift bag which made his day. He told Colton all night, "Thanks so much for planning the surprise party for me!" I was just thankful he was focusing on that and not that dad was gone. Later that night, we went to dinner with my mom so overall he was busy and happy and he knew he was getting an extra celebration when dad got home. I, however, had a rough day. I started watching the news again that day and they were evacuating two more towns and pulling firefighters out of areas for their safety. The magnitude of what James was doing became more real and I just felt unsettled. Thankfully he was able to call that night and really reassure me that he was being safe and I was able to sleep good.

Day 7 was a blur. Basketball camp, four hours of tutoring, Dawson's speech therapy and both boys basketball games that night. Whew! We were all exhausted by time we got home.

Today is Day 8 and it's been good so far. We went to the summer movies this morning, had friends come visit from Prescott and my mom is coming over to have dinner with us.

I have learned a couple things so far while James is gone. The first is how much I depend on him. I love him because he is my husband and count on him as the man of the house and my kid's dad, but he is so much more. He makes me laugh, feel safe, and is just the person I want to be around. The second how much I appreciate single and military moms. My two weeks looks like a joke to them and my hats are off to them and all they have to do. The third is that I can do all the "man stuff" around the house if I have to, but I still don't like it.

The next week seems like an eternity right now, but I am sure I will blink my eyes and my family will be together again, just like it should be.

One Liners

Dawson has had some great one-liners that I am afraid I will forget if I don't write them down, so here they are:

To my mom, "You might not want to look now, I'm gonna get naked."

To the doctor who was Indian (middle East) and checking Colton for strep, "You must be talking Spanish or something because you sure sound funny."

To the kid with the bloody nose, "If you don't pick it, it won't bleed."

To me, "I was on green today. I went to red but got back to green so it doesn't need to count."

CRAZY Roller Coaster

Life is such a CRAZY roller coaster. There are ups and downs and everything in between. Days you want to scream, times you want to puke and at the end all you want is to do it again. Since I have managed to only post once a month since I got my job, I am going to try to remember some of the ups and downs that have happened.

Ups: It's always better to start positive, right? James and I celebrated 11 years of wedded bliss. We were fortunate enough to go to a great dinner with his crew and then got away to Prescott for the night. Then we went to the Chris Tomlin concert as a belated gift to ourselves. The day after the concert, I had a friend call me and tell me that when she saw us from behind she leaned over and told her sister in law that we were the most compatible couple she has ever met. She said that no matter whether things are good or bad in life or just between us, that she can always see the love underneath. What an awesome compliment to get!

The boys are doing good. Report cards came in and were great and Colton just finished AIMS testing. They are both playing soccer right now and having fun. Most days, I feel like I am chasing my tail and at times I get so frustrated I think smoke is coming out of my ears, but at the end of the day, they just make me laugh and it is all worth it!

My job is going good. My kiddos are making huge gains with reading and I am anxious to see their test scores at the end of the year. Last month I even got Teacher of the Month which was really nice to feel appreciated among my peers. It's one thing for a 2nd or 3rd grade kid to like you, but always nice when the people you work with do to. Isn't it crazy? I feel like this is such a short list and I am thinking through the list of downs and there are so many more. It is always so hard to come up with the positives!!

Downs: These are the things that make us stronger and most times we are laughing during them or shortly after they happen. At the beginning of March, Colton's asthma kicked into full swing. We were supposed to be at a wedding at 6pm and I couldn't get him under control, so I decided to run him to urgent care at noon thinking we'd be fine. Little did I know my baby would be transported by an ambulance to the hospital and have 17 breathing treatments and 3 rounds of steroids in the next 12 hours before we could go home. Now for the funny part...have you ever been billed by an ambulance company??? Seriously, $0.35 for gloves x 4 pairs. Good stuff.

Last weekend it was pouring rain, but my kids still had soccer. When we came home from the first game, everyone was wet and I told them to take everything off in the garage. As Dawson was going in the house, Colton went to brace himself against the wall and somehow the tip of his finger was in the door jam and sure enough it slammed closed on it. After 2 hours of crying and pretty substantial swelling, I took him in to find out it was broken. In the meantime, my mom had come to help me out and when she came in, Liberty jumped, off all fours, like she always does. Only this time she came down, let out a yelp and became my three legged dog for the next 24 hours until I took her in to the vet to find out she had partially torn her ACL. For the bargain price of $509.55, I made it through my weekend of James being on shift! (The good stuff only happens when he is gone!)

Dawson got a new kid in class three weeks ago. All year he had only had two card changes. Then, in the course of the last three weeks, he has had five yellows. He did inform me that he thought if he got in enough trouble that his teacher would send him home, which he likes because he doesn't love school. I shared with him that really he would just get to go to the principals office and then I let him experience 20 minutes in the cubby which didn't phase him one teeny tiny bit. It is very hard to raise yourself, especially when you were a stinker!!

Sometimes I feel like we get more than our fair share of trials, but I also think we know how to make them entertaining and God knows we will pull together and make it so it is what is it. Sometimes I think we are blessed more than we deserve. Either way, at the end of the day, I am happy I have my life. It's crazy, but it's mine.

He's Creative

I feel like I haven't blogged forever and want to catch up on a couple things. Things are going good with my new job. I am working with 78 kiddos right now and although I am tired and feel defeated some days, there are some kids making so much progress that it is worth it.

Today we had both of the kids conferences and they are doing great. Polar opposites though. I have Colton who is my straight A student and not happy because they aren't all 100% and then there is Dawson who probably would be fine with staying in 1st grade if it meant not having to put in any more effort. Both boys are playing basketball right now and Colton's team is so exciting to watch this year! They started keeping score and allowing fouls and stealing. It's a whole different game.

Now to the story. So, today I am walking down the hall to get Dawson from class and he is showing me the bracelet he made. He actually took a piece of paper and cut a thin strip off, tied a knot in it and made a bracelet. He was proud of it, but he was extra proud of the buttons he had threaded on to it. I was actually impressed that he threaded buttons on to paper without it ripping. So as he is proudly walking down the hall wearing his button bracelet, I asked him where he got the buttons. Without skipping a beat he holds the side of his shirt up and goes, "from here." Yep, that is right. My son cut all the buttons off his shirt to make his beloved button bracelet. I don't know if this is more creative than gluing the book shut in kidergarten so he didn't have to read it or not. Either way, I am such a proud mom!

Resolutions

It's New Years Day. Another chance to do and/or make everything right for the year to come. I have no idea what is so motivating about today and why we can't just change our lives any ol' day, but this seems to be the popular day to do it. I have so many things I want to do this year, but hate the thought of calling them resolutions....I feel like I am setting myself up for failure, especially when you hear statistics like 9 out of 10 people give up on their resoultions by the third week in January. I am a work in progress. Some of the things I want to work on, I have already accomplished and then let slip again.

Oh well, here's my list for this year:
-Lose 10% of my body weight and keep it off for good! (Not 30 days like I said last year. I kept it off for 5 months before I let it come back!)
-Really, truly work on my potty mouth....it's just not pretty.
-Find a true balance between being a wife, mom, friends, work & volunteering not losing myself in the middle of all of it.
-Instead of just laughing my way through situations, truly enjoying my life.
-Read the entire bible this year. I will keep this goal until I attain it.

I could go on and on, but really if I just prioritize my life this year, things will be good.