Extra Emotions Anyone?

Thursday and Friday were extra emotional in the Flint house.  Both boys were sick earlier in the week and not getting enough sleep and it caught up. 

On Thursday, Colton took a math test and thought he did pretty well.  After school, I told him his grade, which was a good grade, but his personal lowest for the year and he lost it.  His face turned red.  He teared up.  And then he tried to kick a table in my classroom, only to miss, hitting his shin, which upset him even more.  At that point I started to giggle, because he looked like a toddler throwing a tantrum and then he picked up his backpack, loaded with books, and threw it across the room.  As it went flying, one of the straps hit me and I lost it.  I grabbed my 10 year old child, who is almost as tall as me, and told him to get it together.  It was funny in the beginning, but he was out of control.  Lots of tears.  Lots.  Later that night when he was getting ready for bed, he did come to me and apologize for everything.  Then we looked at the very large bruise on his shin and both started to laugh.  I told him that even as adults, sometimes we all have those days, but next time he is going to kick a table, to make sure he kicks it straight on.

On Friday, James was lucky enough to be able to go on Dawson's 2nd grade class field trip to the Science Center.  Other than keeping 5 boys in line, he said it went pretty good....until the end.  One of the kids in his group had insisted on wearing his jacket and throughout the day kept taking it off and leaving it places.  James said he had been pretty good about keeping track of it, but when they got on the bus, he didn't have it.  James, just being the good guy he is, jumped off the bus and ran, literally, back into the building to find the jacket.  In the meantime, the bus driver had to move the bus up to make more room for other buses and that was when Dawson lost it.  I guess he started to panic that James was going to be left behind.  He stood up in the middle of the bus and goes, "Great!  Just great!  The day was going just fine and then someone had to go and leave their jacket and now look, NO MORE DAD!"  And then he started to cry.  As all of this was happening, James had found the jacket and Dawson's teacher said when she looked out the window he was running towards the bus in what looked like a "Baywatch moment."  Oh, to have been a fly on the bus for that!  I am happy to say that everyone made it back to school safe and tear free.

Thank goodness for Saturday.  It was an entire tear free day.  I took the boys to see Star Wars, Episode I in 3D.  That was the first Star Wars movie I have ever seen and I must say it was pretty good.  My interest is even peaked in seeing the other five.  Today, we are going to the station to visit James for Sundaes on Sunday.  I am thankful everyone is fully rested and hopefully there will be no more tears for a while.

Plugging Away

We're still here, just plugging away and I feel like I never get a chance to document anything.  I was looking back and I had 52 posts in 2009.  That's one a week.  That should be doable.  If I could do that I would feel like I was keeping up and had great memories to look back on.  Last year, I had 9.  And I think at least 3 of them mentioned wanting to post more.  Seriously.

Anywhos.  The boys are doing really good.  Colton is playing basketball on a club team which is a whole new experience for all of us.  The schedule is much more involved than anything we have ever done and we find out weekend game times on Thursday nights which goes against every fiber of my Type A being, but so far, we are making it and he is really enjoying it.  Dawson is finishing up his basketball season with the city recreation program and then is going to take a break until we possibly try golf this summer.  School is going really well for both of the boys too, which makes me thankful.

James' schedule changed in January and has been a huge adjustment.  Instead of 24 on, 48 off, he is working 48 on, 96 off.  The problem is that by time the boys and I get done with school and home to see him, it's more like 72 hours that he is gone.  Also, when he works over the weekends, we only see him an average of 8-10 hours in 4 days because of practice and therapies and what not.  I don't hate it nearly as much as I did week one, but I'm not liking it by any means either.  I am trying to keep an open mind and see how it goes over the summer before I fully judge it.

My job is going good.  It's almost the end of February and I finally feel like I have a handle on what I am doing.  Going full time this year brought a lot more responsibilities and the need for a lot more creativity in my lesson plans, but I finally feel together and like I will make it.  I still haven't fully figured out how to balance working full time with home life, but hopefully that will come too.

We have a couple trips coming up that I am hoping to be diligent enough to post memories and then the big project of redoing the floors in the house.  Whether we all survive that will remain to be seen!

Deep Thinker

Dawson always asks random questions, some that make no sense at all.  But occasionally he asks a question that gets me thinking.

The other day we were driving by a church and had this conversation:
Dawson: "Are shooting stars for people who don't believe in God?"
Me: "What do you mean?"
Dawson: "Since they don't believe in God, is that their thing to believe in?"
Me: "Not necessarily (not really knowing what to say here.)  Shooting stars are just something fun to see and if you want to make a wish you can, but usually if you believe in God, you realize that it is just for fun and that your wish probably won't come true.  It's kind of like a wishing well.  Some people like to toss in their coins and make a wish for fun."
Dawson: "What's so fun about throwing away your money???"
James: "Exactly!  Remember, a penny saved is a penny earned."

Overall, it was funny and I'm still not sure I answered him correctly, but he moved on and left me pondering his question.

So This Is Christmas

I have always liked John Lennon's "Happy Christmas."  Today as I look at my list of to-dos and the piles all over the house, I can't help but think of the lyrics.

So this is Christmas and what have you done?  Another year over and a new one just begun.  So happy Christmas, I hope you had fun.  The near and the dear one, the old and the young.

This was a weird Christmas.  My father-in-law is still recovering from his surgery and wasn't feeling well enough to come up.  It was the first time in 11 years that we haven't had everyone together on Christmas morning.  Then, the kids are finally at an age where all they wanted were expensive electronics, so a couple ipods, a nook, a video game, and a few miscellaneous items and that was all the presents.  Then there is the daunting facts that New Years is a week away and making you look back and evaluate last years' goals.  It's just been strange.

I have so many hopes for the next year.  So many changes I want to make within myself.  So many plans.  And yet, right now, I just feel stuck.  I feel like the list is so long and the goals are so big that I can't figure out where to start and so rather than start somewhere, I sit, frozen, being frustrated that I haven't begun. 

So next year when I hear, "So this is Christmas and what have you done?"  I hope to have answers I want to hear.  I hope that I figured out a place to start.  And I hope that I had a smile on my face along the way.

Trying to juggle it all...

I wish I wrote on here more.  I wish I captured the little moments that I will want to remember.  But, instead, I feel like I am in the middle of a juggling act and at any moment, may drop something and be booed off stage.

Dawson is doing amazing.  It's been three months since his surgery and if you look at him, you'd never know.  His hair has almost grown in to cover the scar.  He is back to most all of his activities.  It's like nothing happened.  He is doing well in school.  I can't believe he is half way through 2nd grade.  Where is the time going?!  The best part about Dawson is you never know what he is going to say next.  I wish I had written them all down, but instead of being filled with sadness and regret, I will just make it a goal to be better at it.

Colton is doing great too.  Last weekend we went to Prescott for the tree lighting ceremony and during a snowball fight, Uncle Ken fell on him and broke his thumb, but that is just life and another little hiccup along the way.  It is his 6th broken bone and I am just wondering what number he is going for.  He is doing wonderful in school and just had his choir concert that made me smile to watch. 

Since going to work full time, I have pretty much felt like a crazy person most days.  I hate grocery shopping at night, I miss time with James and feel like a tornado went through my house.  On the flip side though, I love the kids I work with and it would break my heart if they didn't get help.  Overall, although I have always had an appreciation for my mom and working moms, it has opened my eyes just a little more to some of the sacrifices.  And it's hard at night when my kids want help with homework or reading and I am so burnt out that I just don't feel like it.  Luckily, I was blessed with James who goes above and beyond anything I could have ever imagined for a husband and a father and he helps me keep it together.

James is doing pretty good.  Work is good and he has stopped doing so much side work so he would have more time with his dad.  Right now his dad is in the hospital, 5 days post-surgery from having his lower jaw removed to try and beat cancer.  It is amazing what doctors can do and we are praying constantly that it was successful.  A couple of weeks ago, James went on his elk hunt without his dad.  That was the first time he ever went hunting without him and it was really difficult.  This entire process has been hard on him and I wish more than anything that I could make it better.

There are so many things I would like a do-over on, keeping up on my blog being one of them, but the past is the past and I can only look forward, so I am going to throw one more ball in the air, see if I catch it, and try to be better about catching life's moments.

Keeping Perspective

Today has been rough.  My emotions are all over the place.  Tomorrow we take Dawson down for blood work and so he can get a hospital tour and it just makes it all very real.  The closer it gets, the more I don't want to do it.  Although after the scare on Friday when he tested positive for strep and the possibility of having to postpone everything, I know I just want to get it over with.

It has been interesting to see how people handle me and this situation.  Some are calling and checking often, others are there when I need to just cry, others sending me messages, but unsure of what to do or say so keeping their distance.  I know everyone handles things different and so I am trying hard not to take it personally when someone doesn't show as much concern as I hoped they would.  On a positive note, I am completely humbled by how many people are praying for Dawson and for me during this time and so blessed to have so many great people in my life.

I worry about Colton during all of this too.  I know Dawson is the one going in, but Colton is the one left home, worrying, without James or I here to assure him.  My mom is great and will be with him the entire time, but he is just my sensitive, sweet soul who takes it upon himself when he sees others hurting.  I have tried to be strong around him, but he sees my tears well up and gives me a great hug.

So, to the perspective part.  This entire journey, I have tried to stay positive and remind myself that this is something fixable and not terminal.  That he will be in the hospital for 6 days, not 6 weeks or months doing cancer treatments.  And that there is a purpose for all of this.  On Saturday, my grandpa's new wife called and said they got Dawson a little something and they were hoping to see him before the surgery, so we went over the next day to visit.  This happens to be my grandpa who lost his leg two years ago to diabetes complications.  As we were leaving, they told Dawson they would be praying for him this week to which he replied, "And I'll be praying your leg grows back!"  It's all about keeping perspective.

I Knew This Day Would Come

Today I got the news I have known would eventually come....Dawson needs surgery. When Dawson was just over 2 years old, we found out he had a Chiari Malformation. In layman's terms, his brain stem herniated through an opening at the base of his skull and is compressing his spinal cord. Thankfully, we see a phenomenal neurosurgeon that has been watching Dawson since 2006 and waiting for the benefits of surgery to outweigh the risks. We are there. Dawson has now developed a cyst on his spinal cord from the lack of spinal fluid flowing and if we don't do anything, there can be long term damage up to paralysis.

The craziest part about today is that I was alone when I got the news. When Dawson first started getting his MRIs, James and I went together. They take about 4 hours each time and it was worrisome. As we got use to the feelings, I started taking him alone and James stayed with Colton so he didn't always feel like he was being shuffled. But, we have always gone to the follow up appointment together. It is better for us both to hear the information so we can bounce our questions off each other when we get home. Well this year, the day our appointment was scheduled, the doctors office called and had to reschedule. The only day available before school started was today. A day James was on shift. I told him that I had a feeling I would get some sort of big news since he wouldn't be there. You know what they say about a mother's intuition...

So here I am now. Numb, scared, questioning and yet thankful and confident. It is a very strange combination of emotions and I am sure it is only the beginning.