Letting Go and Trusting God

A couple of years ago, you could have thrown almost anything my way and I would have known how to deal with it. I would have prayed about it, let it go and trusted God to help me through it. I have noticed that over the course of the past year I am having a harder time truly letting go. I will have my moments where I think I am, but will quickly realize that I am still trying to control the situation.

This morning I looked at my daily K-Love email and it was John 14:1, "Don't let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me." I am pretty sure that I am being spoken to. I am also sure that I need to and want to listen.

So...I am letting go and trusting God with my children. I think this is the hardest area for me to release. I know they are mine on loan, but for some reason I feel like I know what they need best. I am ready to accept that I don't. That things may happen in their life that I would have never thought would be good and they may not be, but there may be a valuable lesson behind it that shouldn't be missed. I am ready (again) to let God be in control of their lives instead of me.

There is a video I saw about a puppy who was being trained to be a service dog and because of her natural instincts had to be released from the program. Her owner had two options. One was to adopt her out to a good family which is what happens 99% of the time. The other was to keep her. She chose to keep her and not just that, she found that she could surf and now this dog raises thousands of dollars every year for disabled people. Instead of just touching one life, she touches many and it is only because her owner/trainer was willing to give her a chance to grow. My favorite line in the video is, "when I stopped trying to make her who I thought she should be and just let her be, she flourished." That is what I want for my boys. I want to just let them be, be who they are supposed to be, who God wants them to be, and to be thankful and proud of who they are.

What I have realized in the past couple of days is that what is bothering me the most is knowing where my relationship with God has been and where it is now. Six years ago, I depended on him for everything. Dawson's health. James' job. It all rested in His hands. And I was not only comfortable with that, but comforted by it. Then four years ago, when I felt I wasn't as close to Him, I prayed for that back. Shortly after, Dawson was diagnosed and I became fully dependent on Him yet again.

Now, without wanting the struggles, I find myself craving that relationship again. And while I am praying that it doesn't take something big like it did four years ago to get that back, I am accepting that it might and am ready to stop trying to control every aspect of my life so that it can't happen if it needs to. I am ready to let go and trust. And for the first time in a long time, instead of an overwhelming fear accompanying that, there is a peace and that is what I have been looking for.