The Lines of Communication are OPEN!

I am SO excited! My dad and I have turned a huge corner. Actually, I have turned a huge corner. Ever since my mom and dad got divorced when I was 8, I have somehow ended up doing everything with the thought of, "will my dad notice me." It's not that he didn't notice me ever, I just never felt that pride I wanted to feel from him growing up. He has been married 5 times, so there have always been step-siblings and I have felt like I was competing with them. As I have grown up, I have had many moments where I have had my feelings hurt or been sad over a situation but I was always too afraid to talk to my dad about it. I love my dad dearly, but the person he was when I was little and how I have always viewed him was as a black or white kind of guy, not tremendously forgiving, kind of "hot-headed" if you will.

I have always talked to my dad at least a couple times a week, but since my grandma has been sick, we have been talking multiple times a day. I was his lifeline to what was going on here. Now that my grandma passed, my dad has been trying to decide if he was going to come out for the services. When he mentioned it to me, he said that he would be coming in late one night and leaving the afternoon of the next day. This broke my heart! I know that he is coming out for the purpose of the funeral, but I wanted him to take time to see us. We haven't been able to see him for 4 years and I want so desperately to see him and have him get to know my kids the way my mom and James' parents do.

In the last 7 years since my dad has been married, he has started attending church regularly and has a strong faith in God. I am not sure if that was why or if it was just because after watching my grandma pass, I realized I don't want to live life with things unsaid, with open wounds. So, although I was terrified, I sent him a very short email that just said that I was sad and that I really wanted to see him. We ended up talking for an hour. I told him things I had felt growing up and he explained that a lot of what I perceived about him was no longer true. After we talked he even sent me a very nice email letting me know that I have made him proud and that he does love me.

I still don't know if he will make it out or not, but I do know that a lot of what had made me sad turned into a deep hurt because I didn't address it. I am so thankful that I found the courage to talk to him and that he has grown as a man and we were able to have this moment between us before it was too late.