Remembering Grandma

I got the call yesterday afternoon that my grandma had passed away. Although I was expecting it, it hit me much harder than I would've thought. Not that I shouldn't have been sad, but this was my dad's mom. I rarely saw her growing up because we lived in Colorado and when my mom and I moved back to Arizona, she tried to have me see my grandparents, but it was always awkward. It was more of a step child feeling. Then in high school, I borrowed $100 from my grandparents and told them I would pay them back in 1 month, which ended up turning into 6. Looking back, I understand that they were trying to teach me responsibility, but I go no birthday or Christmas check that year and was even further alienated from the family. Once I had the boys, I made a valiant effort to keep in better contact with my grandma. I would call every month or so, she would tell me she would check her calendar to get together and then I would end up calling back 2 months later to see what happened and have my feelings hurt. At one point I even wrote her a letter explaining that I wasn't my dad, and felt as though I was being punished for his mistakes.

The last couple of years, I did see her more. In 2006, I took her and my mom to the Mother's Day Dinner at church. When my half-sister came to visit this summer we made an effort to see her. We would go have pie with her and my grandpa occasionally. And, when they started getting sick, I always made it to visit. She actually deemed me the "hospital runner." In the last 3 weeks since she had been really sick, I saw her almost every day. I spent countless hours stroking her arms and hair at hospice and even stayed the night. As weird as it sounds, since my dad didn't come to visit, I felt a strange sense of obligation to be there in his place, but even when I remove that from the equation, I still think I would have been there just as much. I handle the high stress situations better than anyone on either side of my family.

So yesterday, as I was getting home from the store and I got the call from my cousin, I was very calm and quiet. I was sad. However, when I got off the phone, a huge flood of emotion came over me and I started to cry. I really was sad. I was sad for all the years and memories missed out on for what I think are stupid reasons and I was sad for all the moments that were good that would be no more. There are definitely things I do that I know are from her and things I remember her telling me that I will carry for a lifetime. She had a full life, 74 years worth, 56 years of marriage, 3 children, 4 grandchildren, 9 great grandchildren and countless friends and lives she touched.

My favorite things she taught me was, "Surface clean before the party...deep clean after. Why do you want everything to be so nice before and then sit on a toilet after that someone probably peed on!" I miss you grandma!