Resolutions

Since it is New's Years Eve and all, I thought I'd better come up with some resolutions. After last weekend at church though, a couple of mine have changed. It made me think about the viewpoint taken when making, breaking or fulfilling resolutions.

So here are my 2010 resolutions using the acrostic RESOLUTION:

R-read the bible more
I would like to say every day, but I also want to achieve these goals, so more it is.

E-engage and enjoy my kids more
I don't want to miss any more of the little moments that make me so happy.

S-slow down
This is a big one for me. At least one night a week, I want nothing to be on the calendar.

O-obey God
There are many areas I bend the rules where I know better and I want to stop.

L-laugh more, love more
I love to laugh and want to love others better.

U-use my time wisely
This may include quitting facebook, but I need to stop wasting so much time.

T-treat my family better
I want to show my husband the respect I have for him and show my boys how much I love them instead of just telling them.

I-invest in my body
I need to take better care of myself, so each day I want to make sure I have 10 minutes of some sort of exercise.

O-own my boundaries
Part of slowing down is going to be owning the boundaries I set up for myself and learning to say no.

N-no more swearing
This has been a goal each and every year and this year I hope to achieve it.

Bedtime

Bedtime has changed in our house over the years. The kids have always been tucked in by one of us and for the most part stayed in their beds all night. We used to have the "midnight rule" where if one of the kids was scared or not feeling good, they could come in our bed as long as it was after midnight. Colton only did this a handful of times and Dawson hasn't done it since he was about 3 years old.

Now the kids sleep soundly through the night and get ready for bed on their own. They still like a book and a back rub, but bedtime is usually fairly easy. For some reason though, Dawson has been asking to sleep with us a lot lately. We always turn him down and he falls asleep on his own, but the other night I caved.

Dawson: "Can I please sleep with you tonight?"
Me: "No honey, we all have our own beds."
Dawson: "Well how come Daddy gets to sleep with you?"
Me: "Because that is his bed too."
Dawson: "Well how about I keep you company while dad is at work."

Fine, whatever. I let him sleep with me. James came back home the next morning and for the past two nights, Dawson went right to sleep in his own bed. Tonight, however, James was back on shift.

Dawson: "Can I keep you company again?"
Me: "No. You need to sleep in your own bed. You can come get me if you need something."
Dawson: "Okay, but will you lay with me for a minute."

So, I get in his bed and close my eyes. I open my eyes only to find him staring at me. I told him to close his eyes and go to sleep or I was going to leave. Then I closed my eyes again for a couple minutes and when I opened them again, he was still staring at me. I told him for the last time to close his eyes. To which he responded, in a whisper:

"I sleep with my eyes open."

We both giggled, I left the room and he fell right asleep. He is so funny sometimes.

Then Colton did something funny. When I was getting ready for bed, two hours later, he must have heard me. I peeked in his room to make sure he was sleeping and found him sitting on the floor pulling out his clothes for the day.

Me: "Honey, what are you doing?"
Colton: "Getting dressed."
Me: "Colton, it is 10:30 at night. Don't get dressed, get back in bed."
Colton: "Well how should I know! It's always dark lately."

So once again I laughed, got him back in bed and now I am heading there myself with a smile on my face. My boys are pretty darn cute.

Whirlwind December

This has been a jam-packed month with tons of stress and tons of fun. The beginning started out with James working 8 out of 10 days at the fire station since he was finally released back to duty from his broken toe and we needed all the overtime he could get.

Next came the Christmas parties and my birthday. Then the fun really started up. We took the boys to Greer, AZ to the North Pole Experience. It was so much fun, although we weren't so sure when we pulled up. We have done the Polar Express twice and that was our only point of reference so we when saw an old trolley car called the "Candy Cane Express" as opposed to a giant train, we were worried. Then they sent us on a wild goose chase to find our cabin which resulted in us getting the van stuck down a snowy hill and James sliding down on his butt, which the kids and I got a giggle out of. The actual experience was great though. The kids got to make toys in the elves workshop, drink cocoa and eat cookies, have class in the elves school, and had a ton of one-on-one time with Santa. This may be the last year Colton believes, so I was so happy we were able to do it.

One day after getting home from Greer, we headed for Disneyland. Crazy...both financially and mentally, but once again extremely fun. It was the busiest it has ever been when we were there, but we tried new rides and saw priceless expressions on the boys faces. Then we came home with 12 minutes to spare before my mom's entire side of the family showed up to celebrate Christmas at our house. Tons of people, big messes, but it's family.

Maybe it's because my parents divorced when I was little and I didn't get the family vacation experience. Maybe it's because I have had a number of friends lose close family members this year and I realize that when it is all said and done all you have are the memories. Maybe, I am just addicted to vacationing and justify them because I don't spend money on other thinks like drinking or smoking. Whatever the reason, I like my adventures, big and small, stressful and fun and yes, I already have the next one planned. :)

15 weeks and counting

This morning I realized there are exactly 15 weeks until I get on a plane and fly to Hawaii to celebrate my 10 year anniversary with my hubby. This has almost sent me into panic mode. There is so much to be done!

First and foremost, I need to get me under control. A little over 3 years ago, I was 25 pounds lighter than I am today, and while I don't need to lose every pound of it to be happy, I need to get it under control. My problem is that I put the weight on at stressful times: when Dawson was diagnosed, when James went through medic school and most recently when James was home for 18 weeks with a broken toe/foot. It is a huge goal and one I hope I don't regret, but I am truly aiming for 1 pound per week before we go. At least then I will have pictures of the trip, otherwise, all the memories will be in my head. :)

Secondly, I need to get my mouth and my parenting under control. God forbid something happen to me or my kids during my trip and the lasting impression is not what I want it to be. Sure, we have great memories, fun activities and great vacations, but we also have lots of me blowing my top and saying inappropriate things out of frustration. I have got to find a way to curb that! I have tried and tried and I have realized that I have been relying on myself to do it and instead need to just drop to my knees and ask for help. I pray with all my heart that I will be the mother (and wife) I desire to be before the next 15 weeks pass.

Thirdly, holy paperwork! I have not printed a picture since Jan 2007. I need to get that done. Our will is outdated and we need to change our guardian for the kids (different reasons for different people at different ages in their life.) I need to get a new driver's license. I know that sounds weird, but 10 years ago when I got mine, it was in a batch where the pictures faded. So now instead of a picture, my face is just a blob of ink and the last time I went to the bank they wanted another picture ID. I need to file paperwork and taxes. I need to spend some serious time in the office!

I am sure there is a lot more that I need to do, but those are the ones that stick out. For instance, I know I need to go to the doc for anxiety meds because as excited as I am to take the trip, I am freaking out about the flight! I just cannot believe that time is flying so fast, that I only have 15 weeks and that my hubby has tolerated me for 10 years. :)

Can Today Be Opposite Day?

I remember when I was kid I used to love playing the opposite game. You could have so much fun changing things around. That is what I would like to do with my day today...change things around.

Colton has been sick again for the past couple of days. This is his 7th prolonged fever in 4 months. Granted, one was for the H1N1 flu and one was from pneumonia, but that still leaves 5 fevers. Fevers with a headache, stomach ache and sometimes a sore throat. And each time the doctor swabs for strep and each time it comes out negative. It is becoming altogether frustrating.

Monday, he went to the nurse with a headache, but the fever hadn't started yet. Tuesday the fever came, we went to the doc and all tests were negative. Wednesday the fever stayed. Today the doctor called and told me she wants us to go see an immunologist and try to figure out what is going on. It is not as though he is getting different viruses like a normal kid. He seems to have the exact symptoms each and every time. While I was on the phone with her, she started asking me questions and wanted to know what his throat looked like. I told her I thought it was fine, we had just been in there less than 48 hours prior. But when I looked inside, I almost died. His one tonsil was so swollen that is was pushing the little dangly thing in the back of his throat to the other side and it was covered in puss pockets. She told me to bring him in right away.

When we got there, she looked him over and told me that he still didn't have strep but what he did have was an abscessed tonsil. How in the world you get one of those, I still don't know, but he has it. And now he has medication for it and hopefully he will go back to school tomorrow.

In the midst of him staying home from school, I missed my hair appointment today. This is the 2nd time I have had to reschedule it because of sick kids too. And I am sad. I have been feeling extremely frumpy and for some reason, having my hair done makes me feel pretty and this is just one of those days where I desperately needed to feel pretty. But instead, I still feel frumpy and fat and so I had 5 candy bars from Halloween to add to the problem. Not good.

Then there is Dawson. His teacher asked me if I would like to call another IEP to address some of his behaviors that are coming back. Behaviors that have been gone since he left the 3 year old preschool, but they are back. He is back to humming when stressed. Not a happy little tune, but a loud drone that sounds like an air conditioning unit waiting to explode. He is also twirling and flapping and just out of control. It is so hard too because this is such an unstructured time of year at school that I don't know how much of a factor that is playing in all of this. There are plays and days off and Turkey Trots and Jingle Bell Jogs and class parties and all sorts of things. What there is not is consistency which he so desperately needs. So I am feeling defeated and blaming myself and frustrated with all of this too.

Finally, my dear James and his stupid broken toe. If I had known 17 weeks ago that it would still not be healed, I would have considered cutting it off. Not seriously, but that is how I feel. At his last appointment, the doc said she was not comfortable releasing him to the truck because she wasn't sure how stable it would be if he had to jump out of bed for a call. So she held him another 10 days and he went in today for his release. However, on the way there, he found out that he is not working enough time before Thanksgiving for holiday pay so it is better to stay on the 40 hour week and have the time off for free. Now his official back to work day is November 30th. November 30th for an injury that happened on July 26th. And he is not even pain free and we have lost over $800 on holiday pay while he has been in the office.

So, yes, I would like for today to be opposite day. I would like for my kids to be happy and healthy and not have to have outside therapies. I would like for my hubby to be pain free and back to the fire truck and get an occasional overtime shift. I would like to have pretty hair and feel good about myself.

But since that isn't the hand I was dealt, it looks like I better end the pity party, pull myself up by my bootstraps and hang on. This is my life. It could be better, but I know it could be worse and at least I have a great family to look back and laugh about it with.

Lying, Stealing and Touchdowns

I think I have officially lost all control with my kids and today did nothing but affirm that my parenting needs to be questioned at best.

My day started by taking Dawson to school early to return the magnets to his teacher that he stole from class the day before. Yes, he took 7 blue star magnets, stuffed them in his pocket, came home, put them on the fridge, and apparently played with them for a while before I even noticed that they weren't ours. When I asked him where they were from, he plainly replied, "school." As if this is no big deal. This, of course, is coming from my son who five-fingered a Superman toy off the bus last year without their knowledge or mine and when I asked him if he took it, he told me, "Yep, I sneaked it in my backpack!" I do not know what to do about this either. Because Dawson is Dawson, I truly don't think he "gets" what he is doing. Not that that excuses it by any means, but I think that for him it is more about seeing what he can get away with than the actual stealing and wanting to keep of an object. This theory of mine is supported too by the fact that he has also brought home post-it notes with random information that his teacher has dropped on the floor.

So, I make it through that and then there is my dear Colton who seems to be testing the "little white lie" to the max. That child will not stop with the most ridiculous lies ever. They aren't big, the aren't about important stuff and yet he keeps telling them. Dumb things like not finishing everything to eat and throwing it away instead of just being honest. Or telling us he used the bathroom before football even though he didn't so he wouldn't be late to the game once we got there. Really minor and senseless things, but when do the little lies grow. I just feel out of control.

I feel so out of control, that tonight I once again earned my Mother of the Year award when I told my children that they could keep lying and stealing and maybe we could get them a shared room at the juvenile facility they will end up in. Seriously, I know it is not that bad. I just don't know where to go. I have spanked, I have pulled privileges, I even made Colton pay me for the food he lied about wasting and still I get no where.

Which leads me to tonight. By time we got to football, I was so frustrated I told Colton's coach he had to sit out the first 5 minutes of the game, to which his reply was, "Sorry, but this is my territory." So against my wishes and better judgment, Colton played the entire game and even scored the winning touchdown. Then we go to Dawson's game and he scored a touchdown too. It is so wonderful to watch the boys do something they love, to see how proud they are of themselves when they accomplish something great, to see them as part of a team. Now if I can just get everything else under control, it will all be fine. Right?

Trick or Treat

Halloween. The candy, the costumes, the sugar highs, the meltdowns. Who doesn't love it, right?

Three weeks ago, I took the boys out shopping for Halloween costumes. Every year I have only one stipulation and that is that they have to be "themed." I know it is terrible, but I was an only child and lonely and they are my kids and that is my form of torture. So one year they were firefighters, one year was Batman and Robin, one year was Scooby Doo and Shaggy and last year was Darth Vader and Anakin Skywalker. My only other stipulation this year was that they couldn't be Star Wars people again. Well, after an hour at the costume store and many arguments, we left with Captain Rex and Commander Cody costumes. Both Star Wars Clone people...whatever, I didn't have the energy.

So tonight, at 5:15pm, as we are getting ready to get dressed, Colton tells me that he doesn't want to be his Clone Trooper guy and that he wants to be a football player and just wear his uniform from last nights game. Well, that would have been a fine idea three weeks ago, but after the fits thrown at the party place to be these stupid Star Wars guys, there was no way I was going to let him out of it.

We finally got dressed and headed out. Of course, since James is on his hunting trip, my mom came over to help me out with the kids and I must say, she loved every single minute of the boys being difficult. She almost starts to glow when they give me grief. I think it makes her feel like she is getting even with me for the amount of grief I put her through.

It was a beautiful night and I must say, Dawson is at my favorite age for trick-or-treating. Except, I am not sure he entirely gets the concept. There were a number of people this year who left their doors open since the weather was so nice. My dear child, walked right on into those houses and loudly said, "Trick or Treat!" It didn't matter how many times I told him to only go up to the door, he kept going right in. Then I saw somebody post on Facebook tonight how strange it is that for 364 days a year we tell our kids not to talk to strangers and then on Halloween, we encourage it. Things that make you go "hmmm."

We made it home with enough candy to feed a small village and the kids are now passed out in bed. I guess it's time for me to go pick out and hide my favorites. :) Happy Halloween!

What a Crazy October!

This has been a doozy of a month. Actually, most of it has been a blur. But the parts I remember are going to be recapped in whatever words I can muster to type.

The month started fairly uneventful considering we were just coming off Pix-O surgery. James was incredibly busy with work and was in charge of the Engineer's test since his toe was still broken and he was still on a 40 hour week in the office. So there we are, going along, minding our own business when Colton wakes up the morning after the pumpkin patch with a fever. Not just your run of the mill fever, but a crazy, high, came out of nowhere fever. I tried to medicate him throughout the day and at one point he actually told me, "it was the worst he ever felt in his entire life!" Since it was a Sunday (my kids never do anything during normal business hours) I decided to take him in to Urgent Care. That was when I heard the words I was dreading, "positive for Influenza A, most likely H1N1." Great, we had the swine flu! I got his medication, brought him home and we basically locked him in his room for the next three days. Everyone in the house was wearing a mask and looking utterly ridiculous. Well, it seemed to have worked for James and Dawson, but since I was the oh-so lucky one who had been elected to go to Urgent Care and play with all the germs, wouldn't you know it, by Tuesday night I had the fever. Not a fever, but THE fever. The one that led my doctor to say the same nasty words on Wednesday to me.

At this point, my calendar is looking a little crazy. There is not really time for one of us, let alone me, to be going down with the flu. But, it was here, so we screamed and yelled and made the best of it. There were actually a couple of days that I wondered if my marriage would survive the flu. James was so incredibly sweet and accommodating, but I felt like he was more interested in disinfecting the house than actually packing our kids healthy lunches or not shrinking my clothes when he tried to do the laundry. Eventually, Colton and I got to feeling well and knock-on-wood, James and Dawson are still doing ok.

In the middle of the flu fun, James had scheduled to be at the boys school for fire safety month. First, he put on the Kindergarten Fire Safety Day and had the truck come out so the kids could squirt the hose. Then he brought out the Safety Education House Smoke Trailer and for two days he ran class after class through it, showing them what it would be like if their house caught on fire. After 34 classes and 1,100 kids, I am pretty sure he won't be volunteering for anything at the school any time soon.

Me on the other hand, that is all I do. I am in so deep and seem to have the absolute inability to say NO to anything. I have the copy room, the kids classes, the PTSO treasurer, the fundraiser, blah, blah, blah. It is out of control. Seriously out of control. At some point I am going to have to address this. The question becomes how and when.

On to happier news from the month. My sweet, sweet Colton scored his first ever touchdown last week during his football game. He has been playing for seven seasons, so it was so exciting to see him do it. The best part was that afterward, he ran across the field and literally jumped into my arms and hugged me so tight. In eight years, that was by far the best hug I have ever had! Both of the boys had great parent-teacher conferences and report cards which always make things nice. Finally, we closed on some land in Prescott Valley. I am not really sure what we are doing with it, but the options are there and that is a nice feeling. However, the bank account is now drained and that scares the crap out of me, but we seriously put it in God's hands and it fell into our lap so now we are just going with it.

I can complain all day long. And for some reason, it always seems easier to remember the bad things from the day, but life really is SO good. I have such an incredible man that puts up with me daily, two children who love me even when I have spent an entire day yelling at them, and a God who forgives me for it all. I really wouldn't change a thing, but do hope next month is slightly less eventful. :)

Attack of the Pix-O's

I was so excited for my week to begin on Sunday. Colton had been really sick last week and came home from school almost every day. On Thursday the doctor decided to take some x-rays and we found out he had pneumonia. He had to take this absolutely disgusting medicine, but by Sunday the cough and tummy ache had gone away. We were so happy he was feeling better that we went to Prescott to hang out with friends for the day. When we got home, I was so happy. I had the boys back packs ready and my week was looking good. James and I left the boys with Brian and went to small group. From there on, my excitement about the week ahead dwindled.

When we walked in the door after small group, Brian frantically said, "We have a BIG problem." Problem number one is that Brian doesn't get frazzled or worry about much. It is great when he watches the kids because he never stresses out. So, I knew this couldn't be good.

Apparently, when Dawson was playing with his Pix-O's, he decided to do a magic trick and hide them in his ears. He was going to pull them out and surprise everyone. Of course, he was the one surprised when they didn't come out. However, instead of telling Brian about it then, he decided to wait because he didn't want to get in trouble. Well since Pix-O's are little plastic beads that are covered with a dry glue that gets activated when it gets wet, this story isn't going to get any better. So Brian, not knowing about the Pix-O's, gave Dawson a bath, fully submerging his ears under water. At that point, I guess it burned a little (probably the glue) and Dawson decided to tell Brian.

When we got home, we tried everything, but could barely even see them since he put them in so far. I took him to Phoenix Children's urgent care and they tried to work their magic there. All we got was a crying kiddo and bleeding ears. This was not looking good.

Today, we took him to our ENT. He also pulled out all the stops, used everything possible in the office and worked on Dawson's ears for about 30 minutes. After getting no where, they decided to schedule surgery for tomorrow at 7am.

So, there you go. Pix-O's may be a fun invention for the kids, but not necessarily the safest one. I am praying tomorrow goes well and quick and that my dear Dawson learns from this little "magic trick."

Eye Check

This week has been crazy...this month has been crazy. And although I am vowing to go back and write down funny stories, I didn't want to let this one slip.

My Tuesdays and Wednesdays are crazy days. Today, I was at the boys school for 7 hours, came home for 20 minutes, went to a PTSO meeting and then went straight to a Teen Moms meeting. Needless to say, there is not a lot of time to touch up make-up or hair or change into the proper attire for each meeting. So tonight, to save time and energy, which I am extremely low on, I just put my black shirt for my Teen Moms meeting over my red and white striped shirt that I had been wearing all day.

Okay, now to the funny part. Last week, Colton had the health fair at school and although they said his eyes are fine, I am noticing things to where I think he needs to have them checked. I mentioned it to him and that was that. Tonight when I got home from my meeting, he was in the hallway walking to his room in the dark. About five minutes later, he came out to give me a hug goodnight. He leaned over and whispered to me that he needed to talk to me in bed. So, I went in his room and this was the conversation:

Me: "What's up?"
Colton: "I really think I need to have my eyes checked." (sounding very concerned)
Me: "Okay, honey. What made you decide that?"
Colton: "Well, when I first saw you in the hall tonight, your shirt looked black and then when I came back in it looked red with white stripes. That's not good."

Of course, I told him what had happened and then we giggled about it for the next five minutes. I am actually smiling about it again as I type. I am so thankful that amid all the stresses in my day that my sweet, sweet boys can always bring a smile to my face.

The Truth Hurts

When we went to church today, Colton had to do a worksheet with the acrostic PRAY. The P was for Praise, things to be thankful for. He was thankful that Jesus was loving, forgiving and kind. The A was for Ask, things to ask Jesus for help on. He asked for help on his grades, being nice and playing fair. The Y was for a Yes or No question. The letter that hit me the hardest was the R. It was for Repent, what was he sorry for. When I read his response, I teared up. It said, "I am sorry for always making my mom mad."

I cannot begin to say how much this broke my heart. The past few weeks have been rough around here. We are trying to adjust to a new schedule and I tend to yell every morning to try and get the boys out of the house on time. I haven't been feeling 100%, basically since school started. I can sleep 12 hours a day and still feel tired. My throat hurt for a week, my stomach is not right today. But even with all of those excuses, and that is all they are, is this what he thinks about in his alone time with God?

This has hit me right between the eyes. Not that it is excusable with Dawson because he is younger, but Colton is at an age where these are going to be his lifetime memories. What kind of legacy am I leaving? If I got cancer or was in a car accident tomorrow, would he remember the mom who snuggled up to watch movies, took him on fun vacations, helped out at his school to be around him, and went to all of his sporting events to cheer him on? Or, would he remember the mom who yelled when she was overwhelmed, who said, "in a minute" so I could finish an email, or laid on the couch because I had a headache?

My time with him is running out and I want to be the kind of mom that he remembers with more good than bad. I have always heard that it takes 10 positive things to undo a negative and it is proving to be true. I just pray I can get myself to a point where I am not stressed. If that means taking things off my plate, then I will have to get over the fact that I feel like I am letting people down. The person I need to be concerned with not letting down is my son, my family for that matter and God. Say a prayer for me.

Five Bucks

Right, wrong or indifferent, when I was a kid my mom used to pay me to get good grades. Every quarter when I brought my report card home, I would earn money for my grades. Since Colton is in third grade this year and they are starting letter grades, I thought I would run the idea by him and see what he thought. I told him that if he wanted, we would start giving him $5 for every A, $3 for every B, and $1 for every C. However, if there are any D's, then he gets nothing. I told him that is not a punishment, but if he does not understand something to the point of getting a D, that it is his responsibility to address it before report card time.

So, five days in to school, he brings home his folder with graded papers. Well, somewhere between when we discussed the plan and when he brought home his first grade, he must have forgotten the "report card" part. He walks in the door, hands me a paper with an A and goes, "Yeah, I'll take my five bucks now."

Lovely.

A Little Whining

This is the first week of school. My babies are in kindergarten and third grade. It is so hard to get back into a routine and there is a little whining going on in the house lately. But, it's not from the kids, it's from me. I am tired!!!

While I complain, I still realize how fortunate I am, but nonetheless, I am going to complain.

I am tired of packing. This summer has been crazy. I have been packing 20+ days a month and some of those days are two jobs. It is hot and people are cranky and I am just plain not in the mood. I know it won't be busy forever and I know the money is a blessing, but if this keeps up much longer, I am going to loose it.

I am bummed about my hubby's 40 hour schedule. Today James started back to work...in the office. He will be there for another four weeks until his foot is completely healed. We have really become use to his 24/48 schedule and even though I complain about it from time to time, like when he works Sundays, overall it really fits our family better. I do realize though how fortunate we are that he has a job where this is an option. If this had happened when he was a mechanic, we would have six unpaid weeks and be in a real pickle. I just want things back to normal.

The kids school is also torking me off. I signed up to volunteer to work in the copy room on Tuesday's. ALL DAY, for seven hours for free. And yet, yesterday, on my first day, I got a run down on the rules: don't talk to teachers unless they talk to you, don't steal things you copy, don't ..., don't ..., seriously am I in third grade? Do you not understand that I am doing you a favor here?!?! Then, my other gripe is that my kindergartner is being let out at 2:50 while my third grader is not released until 3:08. That is a problem. Dawson is not going to sit unattended for 18 minutes without getting into trouble and being that it was 109 degrees today with about 50% humidity, I think both him and I are going to melt if we have to sit out there and wait again tomorrow. With that said, yes I am lucky that I don't have to work every day and can volunteer and that I am available to pick up my kids.

Whew! I am sure I could come up with more to complain about, but I am too tired. Not quite as tired as I was when I got home with the kids form school, laid down on the couch and drooled in my sleep for 30 minutes, but still tired. Now, I need to shake it off, be thankful and positive about tomorrow. Here it goes!

The Truth

So my friend April tagged me in her blog to make a list of 10 truth's about me. Not many people know about my blog, but I want her to know I appreciate her thinking of me, so here is goes.

The Truth About Me...
1. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up...it's gone from a vet, to a lawyer, to a teacher, to a counselor, to a nurse. Right now, I am just a mom.
2. I seriously thought that having a second child was my chance to redeem myself for everything I did wrong with my first. However, I now know I have messed up with him just as much.
3. I could eat Cold Stone Cake Batter with Cookie Dough Ice Cream every day.
4. I could also drink a Sweet Tea with it.
5. I fear that I don't show my family how much they mean to me often enough.
6. I am an organized freak...seriously I have a color coded calendar that has stuff planned until next March on it already.
7. Although I talk a lot and am outgoing, I am incredibly insecure with myself.
8. I swear like a sailor, but wish I could stop.
9. I wish I was a more optimistic person.
10. I am so thankful for the life I have! There were many other paths along the way, but God protected me and steered me in the right direction.

So there it is. Nothing too spectacular, but all the truth.

Coordination

Coordination...that is a word my family doesn't have to seem much of. Colton knows how little of this he has, especially since he has broken four bones in fours years. The fact that I have fallen off a treadmill, got whiplash skiing and still have a bruise six weeks later from rolling out of my bed and pinning myself between my own body weight and the foot board screams that I have none either. Dawson is still questionable, but I always thought my hubby had it. He is agile, he is good at sports, fast, made it through the fire academy. Except for the fact that his body is feeling the effects of growing older, I thought he was fine. Thought being the key word.

Sunday morning I ran out to get the end of the school supplies. Not even twenty minutes into my trip I get the call, "I think my foot is broken." Okay... He goes on to tell me that while WALKING he caught his little toe on the wall and heard a crack. Now we have all stubbed a toe, so at this point my sympathy meter is running pretty low. So, I finish my errands and come home.

When I get home, I look at his foot, and I will admit it looked a little swollen and was starting to bruise, but I still could not imagine it was broken. He walked into a wall for criminey sakes. Since we already had the day planned and I am married to such an amazing guy, he said he would put off going to get x-rays and we could play out the day. Oh, I forgot to mention, our day was to take the light rail to the Diamondbacks game, walk a whole bunch and be gone for a number of hours.

So, with pain meds on board, we headed out. He hobbled on to the light rail, hobbled in to the stadium and to the seats. We watched the game, the boys had fun, the foot continued to swell. By the time we left, it looked pretty bad. Now he wasn't hobbling so much as hopping of the good foot, gripping his fists and swearing under his breath.

When we got to urgent care for x-rays, we didn't have to wait for them to be read. There, clear as day, was a break at the base of the toe inside the foot and another small fracture further up the toe. The docs at urgent care didn't know much about this so today we went to an orthopedic podiatrist. It turns out he is 1mm away from surgery. His toes are buddy wrapped, he has a boot and crutches and is off work for a minimum of six weeks.

So, there it is, my hubby isn't coordinated. I figure anyone who can say they broke their foot walking through their hall and turning too sharp into the kitchen does not get to claim coordination any more. But I still love him and think he is pretty amazing!

Mom, Is this KLOVE?

Tonight I took the boys to Toys R Us to spend their birthday money. It always amazes me that when we enter a store and I am the one buying something, they just pick the first piece of junk that they see, but when they are holding the money, we spend forever looking for the perfect item. So after almost an hour, we went to Boston Market to grab dinner and were headed home.

I listen to almost every kind of music. God blessed me with remembering every lyric to every song I have ever heard, however, he forgot to give me the voice to sing them with. In the car though, the programmed stations are Air 1, KLOVE (both Christian,) KNIX, KMLE (both country,) and MIX 96.9 (80's, 90's and today.) I usually try to make sure if I am listening to a secular station that the DJ's aren't going on about some topic I would prefer not to continue with my children, but never thought too much about the music because I thought those stations were pretty safe.

So as we are driving, Trace Adkin's "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk" come on. Here are some of the lyrics:
That honky tonk badonkadonk.
Keeping perfect rhythm, makes you want to sway along.
Got it going on like Donkey Kong.
Ew we, shut my mouth, slap your grandma.
There outta be a law, get a sheriff on the phone.
Lord have mercy, how's she even get those britches on.

Since I have heard this song 100 times, I was obviously oblivious to the lyrics as I was singing along. When I finished the chorus for the second time, this was my conversation with Colton:
Colton: "Mom, is this KLOVE?"
Me: "Um, no, why?"
Colton: "Oh, I didn't think so. I heard the song mention the Lord a couple of times, but then it talked about slapping you grandma. I didn't think that was very Jesus like."

I started to laugh so hard, I had tears streaming down my face and almost peed my pants. I was completely busted by my eight year old. What they see and hear that we have tuned out is crazy to me. I guess KLOVE will be on in the car for a while....

How has it been 8 years?!?

Today is my oldest baby's birthday! How in the world he is 8 I will never figure out! He is half way to driving...In another year he is half way to possibly leaving the house. This is all very crazy.

When James and I got married, kids were never a question. The question was when. Since we had dated 3 1/2 years before getting married, we had done a LOT. We took seven vacations the year we got married for criminey sakes. When we got married, his mom was 65 years old. Although she had four children, James was the first to get married and she had no grand kids. Let me just tell you that if my boys do that to me, I will kill them. I want grand kids! So, with that as a factor, we decided sooner than later to have kids.

It took a little time, some "egg timers" as James called them and tears, but once I was pregnant it was smooth sailing. No morning sickness, no soreness, no nothing. If it wasn't for sleeping all day, I would have thought the doctor lied. I still remember his first kick, the excitement at his birth and how scared I was to take him home.

He is passionate. He is sensitive. He is funny. He loves so fully. He is politically correct. He loves to read. He hates peanut butter. He wants to play football or basketball all the time. He is my first baby. He has a special place in my heart. I am so proud to watch him grow and see who he becomes. Happy Birthday Bubba!

Happy 4th of July

Today is the day every year, along with Memorial Day and Veteran's Day, that I really sit back and think about how lucky I am to live in America. There are so many things we take for granted each and every day: the ability to speak what and when we want, to have food to eat, a shelter that is bigger than 8'x8', to be able to go to church, to have our kids in school, to sleep at night without fear, and the list goes on. I am always in awe of military personnel and their families because I cannot imagine watching my two boys grow up and tell me they wanted to risk it all for people they don't know. I am so grateful for every individual that does do that and for every parent or spouse that supports them with pride. We are so blessed!!!

On a funny note...last night we went to see the fireworks. We always go on the 3rd and love it. This year turned out to probably be the best. It had stormed about 5pm and I was really nervous they would call them off, but the storm passed through which left it about 85 degrees which was amazing considering last year was over 100. We got pizza and ice cream, played football in the grass, took pictures, just had some good old fashioned family time. Then I realized what Dawson was wearing. Him and Colton have the exact same pair of crocs so I always tell them to look at the size. Well, in a hurry, Dawson must have just put on the first two shoes he saw because when I looked down he was wearing two left shoes, one a size and a half bigger than the other. All I could do was laugh. That is truly my Dawson.

Dude!

Today is Father's Day and before I write the funniest story ever, I have to say that I am married to the most amazing man ever!! He is everything and more I could ever wish for in a husband and goes above and beyond to be an excellent father. He loves our boys so much and I hope they know how lucky they are!

Ok, so for Father's Day we went up to Prescott to visit the Mills and go to a barbecue at Lynx Lake. There was a hodge podge of people, some family, some friends. One of the people had a little boy about Colton's age and the kids started playing together. Before we knew it, it all went downhill. A long time ago, my kids use to call each other "dude" all the time. I don't know why I don't really love that word, but after hearing it 50 times a day, I finally told them that a "dude" was the hair on an elephant's butt and they stopped calling each other it almost immediately. Fast forward to today and this is what I get:

Colton: "Mom, Dawson said Stoney (yes, that was the kids name) has a hairy butt!"
James: "What?"
Colton: "Dawson said Stoney had a hairy butt."
James: "Dawson did you say that?"
Dawson: "Yes (starting to cry) but he called me Little Dude."
James: "That isn't a bad thing to call you. You can't go around saying mean things to people."
Dawson: "But he called me Little Dude and that hurts my feelings."
James: "Why?"
Dawson: "Because I don't have a hairy butt."
Me: DING, DING, DING...the light bulb went off and I knew what the problem was.

So after fifteen minutes of trying to convince him that when Stoney called him a "Little Dude" that he wasn't saying he had a hairy butt, the boys were off playing again. We had a great day with great friends and lots of laughs along the way.

#13 - Check!

So with only 830 days left, I have only managed to check six goals off my 101 goals list. BUT, I just checked off the most important one and it happens to be my favorite number too.

When my hubby and I got married, we were making good money. Actually, he was making good money which is why it wasn't a hard decision for me to stay home when I had Colton. Even with my loss of income, we were still doing very well. However, when he became a firefighter, things got interesting. While he was testing we did everything we could to prepare: we paid off both cars, had zero credit card debt and saved every penny we could. When he got hired, we quickly realized that there was not much we could do to offset a $74,000 pay cut.

We have been extremely blessed that because he was a mechanic for 14 years before becoming a firefighter, he always has had a side job and back up plan for income. That coupled with my packing for the elderly and his moving and we have managed to stay afloat and debt-free except for the mortgage. I have always been frustrated a little though because a huge driving factor in the career change was the amount of time it allowed for the family. He only works 10 days a month!! But, if you spend 15 of your 20 days off a month doing side jobs, you are actually home less than before.

So, since day one, it has always been my goal to be able to live within his paycheck again. With two boys who seem to cost more every day this is not an easy task. BUT, I am happy to report that 4 years and 9 months after becoming a firefighter....WE CAN LIVE ON THE SALARY!!! (That is so exciting to me, I can't even begin to tell you!)

Of course, we still need side jobs for extracurricular things like sports, eating out and getaways, but it is just that now...a side job. We love them and are blessed when they come around, but we are no longer dependent on them to keep the lights on.

A lot of my friends have been surprised when I tell them about this and make comments like, "But you do stuff all the time. You had the money all along didn't you." And the answer is no. What I have learned in the last 5 years is how to be a cheap skate and get everything I can for free. For example:

• Go to Picture People or Kiddie Kandids and just get your free 8x10 (yes you will have to pick your favorite picture) and then come home and scan it and print enlargements to Costco or on photo paper which is much less expensive than $15 a sheet.


• Go to Harkins and buy a $25 gift card. You will get a free popcorn and with your $1 drink, it makes concessions easier to swallow.


• For Dawson's birthday, our entire family went bowling (10 of us in all.) The week before, I had joined the bowling alleys email list to get coupons and got one emailed for 10 free games of bowling and shoes just for joining. It would have been $57.84 and I didn't pay a penny!


• We have credit cards that we use and pay off every month, but get the points and cash them out for rewards like gift cards to restaurants.


• I enter every contest I come across...like the one today on my friend's blog for circus tickets http://intentionallykatie.blogspot.com/2009/06/attention-phoenix-readers-win-4-tickets.html

Needless to say, I am so excited about our new "position" if you will, but will probably continue to be a cheap skate...it's just me!

Why, Why, Why?

I have a couple posts that I am working on about our recent vacation and Dawson's birthday, but right now I am here to vent.

Yesterday afternoon, my hubby went to Checker to get some oil for the car. He came home, changed the oil, we had a nice evening and went to bed. This morning he woke up and went to go to Home Depot to grab some stuff to work on his brother's rental house. However, he noticed his credit card was missing.

My first annoyance is that this is the second credit card he has lost, the last one was last July. I know he is busy. I know he works hard. I know his mind is in other places. And I know I have lost things before too, but for criminey sakes, it is really a pain in the butt to have to change everything when you loose a credit card.

I quickly got over my frustration with him though because I know he genuinely never set out to cause me more work. I proceeded to call Checker and of course they told me they hadn't seen it and took down my name only which I thought was weird. Then I went to my online statement. Holy crap! Are you kidding? Some moron, probably the kid that worked at the store, charged over $400 of junk at Checker, then filled up his tank of gas for $60+ and decided to do a little more shopping.

Seriously people! We work hard for what we have. My husband works side jobs up the wazoo so that we can take vacations, put the kids in sports, etc. We are not given anything and it flat out pisses me off when someone takes advantage of that. We have great credit and the credit card company was extremely nice, but why am I wasting my entire day doing this. Why do I have to close the card, wait for a new one, contact the five people who charge it automatically every month and give them a different number. Why?

And, what about the dumb kid who took this. He wasn't even smart enough to just make one purchase at Checker. He made three separate charges. No outside person who came in to the store and found the card is going to continue to charge on a stolen card at the same store. It is probably some young kid who isn't smart enough to think it through that for $700 he may get fired from his job and have a felony on his record by the end of the month. If he was in front of me right now, I would probably shake him.

So, I think I am done. I actually think I even feel a little bit better. Guess I better go back to my day now.

My Baby is 5!!

Today is my baby's birthday. Not my first baby, but my last baby. He was supposed to be my chance to redeem myself for everything I didn't know or did wrong with my first. Instead, he has been a learning experience that was completely original.

Nothing about my pregnancy was easy, he came early, stayed in the hospital and has had some doctor appointment or therapy almost daily since. But, that is not who he is. Those are the cards he was dealt, but it doesn't define him.

He is unique in the best of terms. He has a hundred different faces. He has a voice that makes me melt. He is the only kid that can make me laugh through my tears of anger. He is my shopping buddy. He has the best one liners. He loves sharks and starburst and anything blue. He wants to help with everything. He is always looking in my purse for gum. He is adorable.

And now he is 5.

He starts kindergarten in the fall, which is something we were so unsure of two years ago. He will make friends and do great and I am sure will have a very close relationship with the principal, but it is all good. He is growing up and although I wish I could keep him this age forever, I am excited to see what and who he becomes.

I may never get it right with either of my boys, but I hope through everything that they knew they were loved and that I tried.

Happy Birthday Dawson!

The End of an Era

Today my baby graduated from preschool. And not my first baby, but my last baby. When school starts in the fall, I will have no one home and while I have waited for this day since Colton was little, I couldn't help but be a little sad today.

It is 100 times easier to run errands kid-free, but I was getting use to having Dawson with me. He actually is a really good shopper and one heck of a trooper when I take him on a five-store marathon. I will miss playing war with him while Colton is at school. I will miss eating lunch with someone each day. As I am writing this, I have tears welling up and I guess it comes down to the fact that I will just miss these days.

I think another reason for "happy tears" is that when Dawson finished his year of 3-year-old preschool, we were told that he may not be main streamed in school. Yet today, as he got his certificate, his teachers and I are extremely confident in his ability to make it just fine. He is getting better every day and I owe so many people for all of their help.

Each age and stage that my kids go through seems to bring joy and pain. I can't wait to move on, yet I miss the little moments. When fall comes I will have a kindergartner and a third grader. I still remember third grade. I don't feel old enough or responsible enough for this to happen, but it is going to happen just the same. Guess I better brace myself.

An Amazing Man

Today is my husband's birthday. I have known James was an amazing man since the day I met him, but it is days like today, when I sit back and reflect and really realize how truly amazing he is.

He is the most un-selfish person I know. He is an incredibly hard worker. He is compassionate. He loves me unconditionally. Our kids are blessed he is their dad. He is kind-hearted. He knows how to make me smile.

He cleans the house more than me. He puts up with all of my moods. He makes wise cracks that keep me laughing for days. He is quick witted. He is sexy. He loves me whether I have the extra 20 pounds on me or not.

He stops to help strangers. He is a great son. He is a good brother. He is an understanding son-in-law. He gets taken advantage of and stills sees the good in people.

When I reflect on my life and all the paths it could have taken, I am continually thankful that my path crossed with his.

Happy 37th Birthday Honey!!

Chaos

I am living in the middle of chaos right now. I think I have actually decided that May is a busier month than December. It's the end of school....transition meetings, parties, field trips, you name it and it's happening...end of season games and parties, annual family camping trip, swim lessons, my hubby & his twin sister's birthday, father-in-laws birthday, and I am trying to get us all ready to be gone for two weeks right when school gets out.

This really isn't meant to come across as complaining, but more as questioning. When did life get so busy?

Now if I were asking my mother-in-law this question, she would tell me that she never was that busy and that she doesn't remember ever running around. However, if I ask my husband or his siblings, they will all tell me that they were in swim lessons and sports at least twice a year.

Somehow though something has changed.

When I was a kid, sports were only offered twice a year, not four different seasons. There were no crazy parties when it was done and everyone sure didn't get a trophy. When I approached the end of the year at school, I remember free days, but no elaborate parties that cost my mom $20 in goodies to be sent in. When I had a birthday, she made something for the class to eat, she didn't have to go and buy $15+ worth of baked goods. There was no pressure to "one up" another parent for the end of year teacher gift because you said "thank you for a great year" and went on your way. I don't remember life this way.

Maybe it is because now I am the parent and I never had interest in this before. My kids are involved...in everything. They play a sport each of the four seasons. They are taking swim lessons to get ready for summer. They are signed up for VBS. But, they want to do all of this. Each couple of months the conversation goes something like this:

Me: "So, do you want to play basketball next season or take a break (hint, hint.)"
Kids: "I want to play basketball. Oh, and can I do karate too."
Me: "Nope, one sport at a time. You choose."
Kids: "Ok, basketball. But next season can I ... ?"
Me: "We'll see. You know if you ever want to take a break you can."
Kids: "I know. I don't want to."

What if I do? What if I want a break? The funny thing is that after about 48 hours of my "break" I am sure that I would be climbing the walls, but it sure sounds good in theory. I love that my kids want to be involved and are so outgoing. I love that they want to be physical and that keeps them in great shape. I wish I had their stamina and desire to exercise. Maybe someday. For now, my exercise is going to consist of my heading spinning until this month is done.

My Reason to Celebrate

I love my mom. We have had our ups and downs through the years, but overall I am blessed. She is amazingly strong when she needs to be, yet completely emotionally driven and a basket case most of the time. She has made me laugh, cry and driven me to a level of frustration that even my kids have not got me to. But, at the end of the day, she is my mom. She is who God wanted me to have. And along with all the things that make her who she is are the things that make me who I am.

Because of my mom, I have learned how important and admirable it is to not talk badly about your spouse, current or ex, because he is still your children's father. She has taught me to love whole heartedly, live with my emotions exposed, never to go to bed angry, and how to laugh at myself. Because of her, I always knew I wanted to be a mom.

And now I am. And now I have a totally different reason to celebrate Mother's Day. Now I am a mother. And it is harder than I could have ever imagined. I worry more than I though possible. I got white hair at the age of 26 for crying out loud. I find myself in the middle of a chaotic life most days, but wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Now I love like I never knew I could.

Colton was the best pregnancy ever. I was never remotely sick. I didn't get stretch marks. Everything went as planned, even down to the day he came. I was so nervous when he was born. He was like a doll and I couldn't believe the crazy people at the hospital were actually going to let me go home with him. He had a rough first couple months, but was an easy boy. He has always been a momma's boy. He has the heart the size of Texas, loves completely, and is an old soul. He is politically correct at all times and has such a blind faith, I think he may be a preacher. I am blessed God trusted me with him.

Dawson was a planned pregnancy and that was as far as the planning went. He made sure to take me off course any way he could. He is me in so many ways. He is strong-willed and feisty. He loves to just get a rise out of people. He has a million faces and emotions to match them all. He keeps me going and I never know what he will say or do next. But, he teaches me to slow down. To appreciate the little moments. He is one of a kind and I am blessed to be his mom.

So here it is Mother's Day and I am so thankful for my kids and my mom. I am fortunate to have so many great influential women in my life like my mother-in-law and old friends who have watched me grow into who I am today. My heart breaks for my friends who have lost their moms too soon and for my dad who is spending this Mother's Day without his mom for the first time in 52 years. Every day is a gift. The people in your life are a gift also. And being a mom is the greatest gift of all.

Where to Start?

It has been almost a month again since I have been on here. I don't know what happens in between the thought process that I want to write something and sitting and doing it, but obviously there is a break in the chain and now I am left wondering where to start.

I guess I will start with me. Things have been hectic and I feel like I am losing my mind most days, but there is hope on the horizon. I think I have finally finished all of Dawson's meetings for kindergarten next year and now just have to decide whether or not to pursue things with Colton. I did manage to get my hair done today which was awesome! I went really short, the shortest I have ever gone and lightened it up considerably for the summer. James and I have been doing the "Love Dare" book from Fireproof and it has been making things go from good to even better, so that is nice.

James is good, but I feel bad for how much he has to work. He is such a good provider and I am blessed that he feels it is important for me to stay home and has never put any pressure on me to work. He is settling in to his position as Engineer very well and I think that is where he will finish out his career.

Dawson, Dawson, Dawson. This kid cracks me up! You never know what he is going to say or do. Yesterday was the last day of swim lessons for the session and he was wearing new swimming trunks. James asked if they would stay up in the water and before I even said "yes," Dawson had pushed them halfway down his bottom to show us how loose they were. I think he may be an exhibitionist. Then tonight at dinner while he was waiting for the food, he must of gotten bored and I noticed him wading up the paper napkin into little balls, stuffing them up his nose and proceeding to blow them out. That was until one got stuck and he picked it out. Hope there is no cocaine habit in his future. :) Overall, he is doing really well though and I am looking forward to see how he progresses in kindergarten.

Colton. My sweet, sweet Colton. He has such a big heart which is great, but it leaves him a lot of places to get hurt. Tonight was the Tribal Challenge at church and he went with his friends. He ended up running into a boy in his class that he has had some other issues with this year and by time I came to pick him up was very sad. I wish so badly that he wouldn't let others get to him that way, but it is hard to teach something that I myself don't have. He is doing great in second grade academically, but as the year ends, it looks as though we may need to come up with more of a game plan for next year. He just ended football last week and is looking forward to playing basketball in the summer.

In 25 days, we leave for vacation and I can't wait. We will be going to Lake Tahoe again and I hope we have just as nice of time as last year.

I just looked at my 101 goals list and have found that I haven't managed to accomplish any more of the goals on it yet. However, I am close to 5 of them so maybe as I accomplish them it will give me something to write about. Not that my family doesn't give me enough now, I just need to find the time to recall and write it down.

Light Rail Experience

This weekend we took my mom on the light rail for her birthday. She has been wanting to take the boys for a while and I just wasn't comfortable with her taking them alone, so we decided to make a day of it.

So, we get on the light rail and it is pretty busy and we end up taking the last 5 seats. Two stops later, a young African American lady boards with her infant in her arms. My hubby gets up right away and offers her his seat. Finding this to be a teaching moment, I leaned over to Colton and asked him, "Do you know why daddy gave up his seat for that lady?" To which he replied, "Yep, because of Rosa Parks."

I couldn't help but bite my tongue as I was going to burst out laughing. I calmly told him that everyone was equal now and that the reason dad gave up his seat was because she was a woman and that you should always treat girls with respect. But, wow, he has had some zingers lately!

On a side note, just because I don't want to forget, Dawson has been cracking me up too lately. He can't say the word "alphabet" so when I picked him up from school the other day and asked him what he had for snack, I got, "We had awfulbit gummies." I wonder if they were good alphabet gummies? He is pretty cute!

Another Month Almost Gone

Where is my 2009 going? It seems like forever since I have written anything and when I think back over the last couple weeks, I can't think of anything to write about. A lot has happened though.

The kids had Spring Break, which also happens to be our anniversary. James and I went to a great hotel in Prescott and really enjoyed some time away. We laughed more than I can remember in a long time, primarily at my expense, but that's okay. I sang the wrong words to a song, couldn't hit a golf ball more than 20 feet and rolled the Corolla backwards down a steep hill. It really was a fun trip.

We also had a day where we went bowling as a family and that was awesome. First, I love the bumpers. I don't know what I am going to do when my kids are old enough to put them down because I think I use them more than they do. Dawson was so cute in his bowling shoes. It was the first time he has worn them since asking Santa for the at Christmas. He even got a strike on the last frame of the second game. Colton bowled really good and got better each game. He was even a trooper and figured out how to get the ball with his casted arm.

I feel like time just slips away. I know that so much more has happened. Today we went to see Monsters vs. Aliens and the kids loved it. I wish I was writing more. When I see babies I realize how little I remember looking back. I measured the boys the other day and Colton was 4 ft. 6 in. and Dawson was 3 ft. 11 in. How does that happen?

Am I doing it all right? What will they remember about me? Life has so many questions and time marches on....

Just Do It

Today has been a funny day and my kids have kept me laughing for most of it.

Tonight when I was making dinner, Dawson fell asleep on the couch. I called his name a couple of times to let him know it was dinner time, but nothing. He was out. Until...the magical ice cream truck song started to play through our open front door. I am not kidding, all of sudden Dawson popped up and says, "I'm awake! Wait ice cream truck!" It was so cute!

After dinner we had Colton's first football game. It was a little sad because he can't play with his broken arm for the first three games, but I was proud of him for still wanting to go and cheer his team on. When the game was over, we were heading to Cold Stone for dessert.

Colton: "What's a crush?"
Me: "It's when you like someone more than just as a friend. When you grow up your crush will become love."
Colton: "Oh, well _____ says he has a crush on _____. I think I have a crush on _____ too."
Me: "You do?"
Colton: "Yeah. I think I am just going to let my crush grow for a while and then when I am a teenager we will just do it."
Me: swallowing hard..."Do what, honey?"
Colton: "Get married."
Me: "Oh. Well you might want to wait until you are a little older than that."

Oh my gosh! I thought I was going to be having the talk right then and there! So now I am breathing a sigh of relief, relaxing and trying to prep myself for when the real talk comes.

What a Way to Start March

Wow! This month sure started with a bang! First, James got a stomach bug. I would rather have almost anything in the entire world than a stomach bug, so I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned some more. Everything was washed, the kids were bleached and I thought we were good to go. Then 4 days later at 3:41am, Dawson came in and told me his tummy hurt and proceeded to throw up most of that day. So, I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned some more. That night when I went to bed, I was exhausted! I was happy he was feeling better and looking forward to a good nights sleep. However, at 3:52am, my carbon monoxide detector decided to go off. Despite having been cleaned and it's batteries been replaced less than a month ago, it felt the need to wake me for a little fun. James promptly pulled it out of the ceiling, threw it in the garage and we went back to bed. Later that day, I got to take Colton to the orthodontist to have lip bumper put it. I never had braces, so I don't know how it feels, but it sure looked uncomfortable. And, I got the, "I look like a dork, I can't talk right, etc." the rest of the night. That was Thursday.

Friday consisted of writing a paper for an online English class that James is taking. Saturday was the boys last basketball games. They were both at 11:00. We had the kids draw names because, of course, they both wanted dad to go with them. I ended up taking Colton. Everything was going great. He had made a few baskets and it was the last minute of the game. He scored and was back-peddling a few steps and went to turn around. His foot didn't move and he fell backwards on his the palm of his hand. Instantly he started to cry and instantly I felt my stomach knot up. He had broken his arm 11 months ago falling on it the same way. He came out of the game and we iced it. He decided to skip the birthday party he was supposed to go to next and opted for the urgent care. James got to take him to that part and they took x-rays. The tech said nothing showed up and they would send it out for review. When they came home, I kept telling James, "Are you sure? It looks swollen like last time." Nope. He said it was fine. Sunday morning I went to see my grandpa, who is doing much better and even took 20 steps the other day! At 9:10 my phone rings and it is James....Urgent Care just called...it IS broken.

My poor, sweet boy has broken 4 bones in 4 years. Tomorrow I will get him into the orthopedic doctor and see what has to happen. He is supposed to play his first football game on Friday.

This sure has been a weird start to the month and I can only hope it has gotten everything out of it's system and will get better. :)

Snowplow!!!

Yesterday I had the best day ever! It seriously was one of the most fun days we have had as a family, and I get to check #17 and #66 off my 101 list. We decided, very impulsively I might add, to take the kids out of school and go skiing. We had been tossing around the idea, but because I am practical we were looking at a half day of school for Colton and I was trying to schedule make up therapies for Dawson. Then on Wednesday afternoon we just decided to go for it...the next day. No notice, no make ups, just live life (definitely not my strong suit.) So when the kids came home from school on Wednesday I told them that they wouldn't be going to school on Thursday and as soon as dad got off shift, we were going skiing!

Both of my boys, as much as I love them, tend to be very dramatic and a little on the not so tough side. The way James and I envisioned this ski trip was to drive up, rent everything, have the kids complain while getting dressed, put them on the bunny hill, have them cry the first time they fell down, go drink hot cocoa in the lounge and leave. Maybe it was because my expectations were so low, but it was nothing like I thought and literally the best family day I can remember in a long time.

The boys were excited and asked questions the whole way up. Since neither James or I had skied in 15 years, we couldn't answer much, but we tried. They were so excited to get their gear and wanted to wear the ski boots up to the car to get the rest of our stuff on. When we first were getting them into their skis, they were a little uneasy, but they would go a couple feet, fall down and laugh. After about an hour, they were both getting really good. They were able to go a couple hundred feet down the hill and snowplow before falling. We had family races, took great pictures and smiled all day. The biggest complaint was carrying their skis back up the hill.

That, of course, was the boys. Then there is me. The first time I got on my skis, I took off. FAST. Flying down the hill, not really remembering how to work anything. I hear my hubby yelling, "Snowplow!" Yeah, not so much. I crashed hard! I had a headache, but we were having a good time so I didn't really pay attention to it. I kept skiing and crashed a couple more times, but on my butt and nothing like the first one. Then, as we were driving home I noticed my neck felt a little stiff and it was hard to look for cars when I was changing lanes. I wrote it off as just being sore and using muscles I hadn't in a long time.

This morning I woke up, stiff as a board. I was in the hall talking to James when I got really lightheaded. I decided to go into the doctor just to check it out. Then somehow through the process of x-rays and what not, I end up at the chiropractor. He tells me I have whiplash and that I tore my sternocleidomastoid muscle (in my neck). Lovely. That sounds like fun. Not! So, I get all the physical therapy necessary to be able just to turn my head. Then he tapes me up so my muscles can't go back to being tight and will be protected. It will more than likely be a 4-6 week recovery.

Even after all of the drama this morning, one thing stands. Yesterday was awesome! I would go 100 times and get hurt each and every one if it meant making memories that great. I am looking at this positively. This injury is just so I can think about that day for the next 4-6 weeks and find ways to recreate it doing other family activities. I better learn to snowplow!

What Store?!?

Today was an interesting day. First I woke up resolving to have a good day. Not just an average day, but a good day. I was not going to let anything get in my way either. And you know what...it worked! I had a pretty good day! I had a couple little moments, but caught myself and maintained a smile. I started my day with 3 hours of silence to catch up on my bible study and ended with Beth Moore telling me that as long as the Lord thinks I am beautiful, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Not bad.

My poor Colton did not have such a good day. He is so hard on himself, which I know he gets from both James and I. He ended up having to go talk to the intervention specialist at school. It breaks my heart because he is such a sweet boy. Lots of praying to do for him.

On a funny note though...Dawson had a field trip today to the library. One of the "grils" in his class was wearing bright blue tights. As he got off the bus it went like this.

Dawson: "How come she gets to wear blue pants?"
Me: "Honey, those are tights, they are for girls."
Dawson: "Can I have blue tights?"
Me: "No sweetie, only girls wear tights."
Dawson: "Where do you buy them?"
Me: "At the girly girl store." (Thinking that would end it.)
Dawson: "That's not fair."
Me: "Do you want some blue socks?"
Dawson: "YEAH!"
Me: "Ok, when I go to the store next, I will look for blue socks."

We got home and I was getting ready to go to the grocery store.

Dawson: "Where are you going."
Me: "To the store."
Dawson: "OH! The Boyly Boy store to get my socks?!?"

He cracks me up!

Overwhelmed!

So this is my second attempt at this post. I actually wrote an entire entry, posted it, walked to get Colton from school and came home and deleted it because I felt guilty that all I did was complain and feel sorry for myself in it. So now I am trying it again...

I feel overwhelmed. Again. With everything.

It really is not just any one thing in particular, but a huge compilation of events happening all at the same time. My grandma's funeral is tomorrow and my grandpa is still not doing great. He is in a rehab facility now, but James is going to have to help transport him to and from both services and we are all praying he is well enough to make it. Then there's Colton who has just been full of extra energy lately. He also has 2 ortho appointments coming up to hopefully finish the braces.

I think the biggest source of frustration is just feeling lost is with Dawson though. I need to sign him up for kindergarten on Monday. With Colton that meant filling out a handful of paperwork, proving residency and waiting until August to find out who his teacher is. With Dawson however, it means 7 testing appointments, and ISP meeting, a transition meeting, and a hearing eval. Plus he is "graduating" from one of his outside therapies so we need to have close out meetings for that. Then I have to take his schedule and mesh his outside therapies into it somehow. It's just a lot and I don't feel equipped or like I have the energy.

With all of that said though, I need to change my attitude. Earlier today when I wrote this, I wrote that I was going to have a pity party. Well, I have decided that I am not. I am going to pull myself up by the bootstraps and plaster a damn smile on my face if it is the last thing I do! And it is because, even though I am down and feel that this is hard, I KNOW it could be worse. I have my family here. All of them. We are all healthy. James has a stable job in an unstable economy. I have been BLESSED to stay home for almost 8 years with my kids which has proved to be a God send with Dawson's situation. My husband LOVES me and would do anything for me. My mom is supportive. My kids, although I don't always realize it, REALLY are GOOD kids.

I am blessed. I have a family that loves me and that I love more than anything. AND most importantly, I have my GOD who will give me all the energy I need, all the tools I need and all the support I need to get through this phase in my life. This too shall pass and until it does, I am choosing to lean on HIM!

Snow Clothes

This weekend we are planning on going up north. We booked this back at Christmas time with the hope that there would be snow, but either way, the kids are on a three day weekend and we just wanted a family getaway.

Backing up to when we went to Polar Express in December, there was a LOT of snow at the time. The kids had a hay day playing in it, except we don't have snow gear so it only took about an hour before they were soaked and freezing. Since skiing is on my goal list, we decided that we get some ski bibs for this trip that were big enough for next winter also.

Fast forward to today, February 10th, the middle of frickin' winter (since spring doesn't technically start until March 21st.) I went to four different sports places to find snow gear. Two stores have already shipped their stuff back..winter is over in there minds despite the 6" Flagstaff got yesterday and the fact that Prescott schools are on a snow day. Then I go to another store where the cheapest article of gear is $80! I don't think so. We live in the desert. We go to the snow a handful of times a year and I am not spending $80 per kid, they can be wet and cold for that. So in my desperate attempt, I go to one final store. One store that is having a sale on their snow items. A store with not a lot of a picked over selection. Since I am not a shopper, I did what I always do...what my husband hates. I picked out 3 sizes for everyone, bought them all, brought them home and in the comfort of my own house, my own mirror (that is nicer than theirs) we will try on everything, narrow it down and I will return the rest. Alone. Because my husband is embarrassed by this way of shopping. I am not a shopper. I have never been a shopper. And now I have 5 bags of $400 worth of snow crap sitting at my front door laughing at me.

On a total side note....Since I had the kids along with me for this adventure today, I told them they could pick what was for dinner. Colton picked Boston Market and begged to eat there. So as we are eating, in the restaurant, at 5:15pm, Dawson pipes up amid the silence and says, "I didn't just fart." Um, I think he may have. Random comments like that usually come up for a reason. My kids really do keep me on my toes!

Check Three Off The List

Somehow tonight when my brother in law and I were talking, I brought up my 101 list. I should have known this was a bad idea since Brian likes very much to razz me. So I started going through the list and he started laughing.

Me: "Exercise regularly."
Brian: "Like that will ever happen."
Me: "Get the closets and bathrooms done, wood floor, tile..."
Brian: "Is this your list or James?"
Me: "Stop swearing."
Brian: "Good luck with that!"
Me: "Be more joyful."
Brian: "Yep, you need that!"
Me: "And the last goal, be content even if I don't accomplish anything on the list."
Brian: "That's the stupidest one yet. Why do you have the list if you are not going to accomplish it?"

So during the debacle I realized a couple of things. I can combine a couple of my goals such as see the sunset on the beach and go to Hawaii for my 10 year anniversary (which is in the works.) Also, take the kids skiing and visit Colorado again may work if the planning is right. Voila! Lots of two for ones happening on my list!

I also noticed that I have actually accomplished three of my goals already. Who knew?!? I have been at this blog regularly for 8 weeks now. Check #6 off the list! I wanted to join another women's bible study. Well, not only did I join, but it even starts next Monday and it is another Beth Moore study. I am so excited, #55, done! Finally, I looked at #90 which was to make sure James has at least 1 free day a month to do whatever he wants. While I don't want to take that goal away, when looking back at my post Frustrations are Running High, I realized that he has had a lot of free days. I am so happy about this, although it doesn't appear so at the time I wrote that. He has had great opportunities to spend quality time with his dad and explore new hobbies.

As I sit here tonight, I feel a strange sense of accomplishment...even though I didn't realize until now that I was accomplishing anything. When I made the list, it was with the intention and desire of wanting to do all the things listed. However, when I wrote the last one, I meant that too. What I found tonight though is that I want to be content no matter what, but I don't want to lose that push and drive to actually make it through this list.

The Lines of Communication are OPEN!

I am SO excited! My dad and I have turned a huge corner. Actually, I have turned a huge corner. Ever since my mom and dad got divorced when I was 8, I have somehow ended up doing everything with the thought of, "will my dad notice me." It's not that he didn't notice me ever, I just never felt that pride I wanted to feel from him growing up. He has been married 5 times, so there have always been step-siblings and I have felt like I was competing with them. As I have grown up, I have had many moments where I have had my feelings hurt or been sad over a situation but I was always too afraid to talk to my dad about it. I love my dad dearly, but the person he was when I was little and how I have always viewed him was as a black or white kind of guy, not tremendously forgiving, kind of "hot-headed" if you will.

I have always talked to my dad at least a couple times a week, but since my grandma has been sick, we have been talking multiple times a day. I was his lifeline to what was going on here. Now that my grandma passed, my dad has been trying to decide if he was going to come out for the services. When he mentioned it to me, he said that he would be coming in late one night and leaving the afternoon of the next day. This broke my heart! I know that he is coming out for the purpose of the funeral, but I wanted him to take time to see us. We haven't been able to see him for 4 years and I want so desperately to see him and have him get to know my kids the way my mom and James' parents do.

In the last 7 years since my dad has been married, he has started attending church regularly and has a strong faith in God. I am not sure if that was why or if it was just because after watching my grandma pass, I realized I don't want to live life with things unsaid, with open wounds. So, although I was terrified, I sent him a very short email that just said that I was sad and that I really wanted to see him. We ended up talking for an hour. I told him things I had felt growing up and he explained that a lot of what I perceived about him was no longer true. After we talked he even sent me a very nice email letting me know that I have made him proud and that he does love me.

I still don't know if he will make it out or not, but I do know that a lot of what had made me sad turned into a deep hurt because I didn't address it. I am so thankful that I found the courage to talk to him and that he has grown as a man and we were able to have this moment between us before it was too late.

Remembering Grandma

I got the call yesterday afternoon that my grandma had passed away. Although I was expecting it, it hit me much harder than I would've thought. Not that I shouldn't have been sad, but this was my dad's mom. I rarely saw her growing up because we lived in Colorado and when my mom and I moved back to Arizona, she tried to have me see my grandparents, but it was always awkward. It was more of a step child feeling. Then in high school, I borrowed $100 from my grandparents and told them I would pay them back in 1 month, which ended up turning into 6. Looking back, I understand that they were trying to teach me responsibility, but I go no birthday or Christmas check that year and was even further alienated from the family. Once I had the boys, I made a valiant effort to keep in better contact with my grandma. I would call every month or so, she would tell me she would check her calendar to get together and then I would end up calling back 2 months later to see what happened and have my feelings hurt. At one point I even wrote her a letter explaining that I wasn't my dad, and felt as though I was being punished for his mistakes.

The last couple of years, I did see her more. In 2006, I took her and my mom to the Mother's Day Dinner at church. When my half-sister came to visit this summer we made an effort to see her. We would go have pie with her and my grandpa occasionally. And, when they started getting sick, I always made it to visit. She actually deemed me the "hospital runner." In the last 3 weeks since she had been really sick, I saw her almost every day. I spent countless hours stroking her arms and hair at hospice and even stayed the night. As weird as it sounds, since my dad didn't come to visit, I felt a strange sense of obligation to be there in his place, but even when I remove that from the equation, I still think I would have been there just as much. I handle the high stress situations better than anyone on either side of my family.

So yesterday, as I was getting home from the store and I got the call from my cousin, I was very calm and quiet. I was sad. However, when I got off the phone, a huge flood of emotion came over me and I started to cry. I really was sad. I was sad for all the years and memories missed out on for what I think are stupid reasons and I was sad for all the moments that were good that would be no more. There are definitely things I do that I know are from her and things I remember her telling me that I will carry for a lifetime. She had a full life, 74 years worth, 56 years of marriage, 3 children, 4 grandchildren, 9 great grandchildren and countless friends and lives she touched.

My favorite things she taught me was, "Surface clean before the party...deep clean after. Why do you want everything to be so nice before and then sit on a toilet after that someone probably peed on!" I miss you grandma!

Down to 968

I should have known when I wrote my list of 101 things to do in 1001 days that it wouldn't work so well for me. At least not until I am down to about 30 days. Although I am one of the most organized people I know, I am a HUGE procrastinator and somehow work extremely well under pressure. It is weird, but I seem to go through life completely stressed out of my mind, but if I am not under the gun, I am completely unproductive. You give me a day with nothing planned and that is just what I will do...nothing!

Some of my goals are in progress as far as trips we want to take, but it is a matter of timing and money. Some of my goals like house remodeling are waiting for us to hit the lottery. My personal goals, like stopping swearing are something that I have to wait for the day that it embarrasses me that I said something in front of someone and I get hit up the head by a 2x4. As I write this, I am thinking to myself how dumb that sounds. If I want to change something, why don't I just change it. I guess I am like an alcoholic in the sense that I haven't hit "rock bottom" with some of my habits.

Anyways, I have the list posted. I see it daily and I know it needs to be worked on. And I am sure it will be...in 900+ days. :)

What happened to January?

This has been a crazy start to the year. With both of my grandparents in the hospital, I have been tied up for the last 17 days. Then, this morning as I was sitting in my grandma's room, I noticed it said it was January 27th on her board. It's WHAT? Where is my month? How is it almost February? I don't have time for that!

My grandpa finally was healthy enough that he had his stent placed yesterday. Now they are talking about releasing him already as soon as he is able to walk. My grandpa is an incredibly strong man, but I don't know what he will do when he goes home to an empty house. My grandma has gotten worse every day. Last week they finally moved her to hospice. She was able to talk, just fatigued easy. Then on Saturday, we cried together. I told her I was sad and she said she was sad too. On Sunday, I brought Colton to say his goodbyes. When I told her he was there she whispered, "Hi little person." Yesterday, she no longer had the strength to speak, but I called my dad and when I put the phone to her ear, she opened her eyes while he spoke to her. Today, she was unresponsive. She didn't moan anymore or try to move. The nurse said the end is within a couple of days. Although I wasn't always close to her, it makes me sad. Since I have had my kids I have realized the importance and strength of family.

Now I have Colton home with his asthma kicking into full gear. I decided to let him stay home tomorrow from school since Dawson is home while the other class goes on a field trip. Maybe God has placed this "mental health" day in my lap so we can have a day to reconnect as a family. While I have been at the hospital and trying to be there for so much of my extended family, I have done a not so great job at being there for my own family. I am hoping to take tomorrow and just snuggle with my boys and make sure they know how important they are to me. I may even ask them what they've been doing for the last month!