The Truth Hurts

When we went to church today, Colton had to do a worksheet with the acrostic PRAY. The P was for Praise, things to be thankful for. He was thankful that Jesus was loving, forgiving and kind. The A was for Ask, things to ask Jesus for help on. He asked for help on his grades, being nice and playing fair. The Y was for a Yes or No question. The letter that hit me the hardest was the R. It was for Repent, what was he sorry for. When I read his response, I teared up. It said, "I am sorry for always making my mom mad."

I cannot begin to say how much this broke my heart. The past few weeks have been rough around here. We are trying to adjust to a new schedule and I tend to yell every morning to try and get the boys out of the house on time. I haven't been feeling 100%, basically since school started. I can sleep 12 hours a day and still feel tired. My throat hurt for a week, my stomach is not right today. But even with all of those excuses, and that is all they are, is this what he thinks about in his alone time with God?

This has hit me right between the eyes. Not that it is excusable with Dawson because he is younger, but Colton is at an age where these are going to be his lifetime memories. What kind of legacy am I leaving? If I got cancer or was in a car accident tomorrow, would he remember the mom who snuggled up to watch movies, took him on fun vacations, helped out at his school to be around him, and went to all of his sporting events to cheer him on? Or, would he remember the mom who yelled when she was overwhelmed, who said, "in a minute" so I could finish an email, or laid on the couch because I had a headache?

My time with him is running out and I want to be the kind of mom that he remembers with more good than bad. I have always heard that it takes 10 positive things to undo a negative and it is proving to be true. I just pray I can get myself to a point where I am not stressed. If that means taking things off my plate, then I will have to get over the fact that I feel like I am letting people down. The person I need to be concerned with not letting down is my son, my family for that matter and God. Say a prayer for me.