Letting Go and Trusting God

A couple of years ago, you could have thrown almost anything my way and I would have known how to deal with it. I would have prayed about it, let it go and trusted God to help me through it. I have noticed that over the course of the past year I am having a harder time truly letting go. I will have my moments where I think I am, but will quickly realize that I am still trying to control the situation.

This morning I looked at my daily K-Love email and it was John 14:1, "Don't let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me." I am pretty sure that I am being spoken to. I am also sure that I need to and want to listen.

So...I am letting go and trusting God with my children. I think this is the hardest area for me to release. I know they are mine on loan, but for some reason I feel like I know what they need best. I am ready to accept that I don't. That things may happen in their life that I would have never thought would be good and they may not be, but there may be a valuable lesson behind it that shouldn't be missed. I am ready (again) to let God be in control of their lives instead of me.

There is a video I saw about a puppy who was being trained to be a service dog and because of her natural instincts had to be released from the program. Her owner had two options. One was to adopt her out to a good family which is what happens 99% of the time. The other was to keep her. She chose to keep her and not just that, she found that she could surf and now this dog raises thousands of dollars every year for disabled people. Instead of just touching one life, she touches many and it is only because her owner/trainer was willing to give her a chance to grow. My favorite line in the video is, "when I stopped trying to make her who I thought she should be and just let her be, she flourished." That is what I want for my boys. I want to just let them be, be who they are supposed to be, who God wants them to be, and to be thankful and proud of who they are.

What I have realized in the past couple of days is that what is bothering me the most is knowing where my relationship with God has been and where it is now. Six years ago, I depended on him for everything. Dawson's health. James' job. It all rested in His hands. And I was not only comfortable with that, but comforted by it. Then four years ago, when I felt I wasn't as close to Him, I prayed for that back. Shortly after, Dawson was diagnosed and I became fully dependent on Him yet again.

Now, without wanting the struggles, I find myself craving that relationship again. And while I am praying that it doesn't take something big like it did four years ago to get that back, I am accepting that it might and am ready to stop trying to control every aspect of my life so that it can't happen if it needs to. I am ready to let go and trust. And for the first time in a long time, instead of an overwhelming fear accompanying that, there is a peace and that is what I have been looking for.

9 Grown, 9 To Go

Today is Colton's birthday. I cannot believe it has been nine years since he came into my life! I also can't believe that in another nine years he will be an adult. This is the halfway mark and it makes me think. Have I taught him enough? What will he remember? Has there been more good than bad?

With so much on my mind, the one thing that sticks out was the day he was born. James and I went to dinner the night before and since I couldn't sleep, I made him stay up with me until 2am when we finally decided to go tot the hospital. I had been scheduled to be induced at 4pm on July 13th, but in Colton fashion, he came on his own at 12:07pm.

He has brought me so much joy. He is the most caring, compassionate, old-soul I have ever met. He sticks up for his friends, puts his dad on a pedestal and treats me like a queen. Even on his worst days of back talking or being disobedient, it always ends with an apology and a hug.

He loves sports! He doesn't even care which sport it is. As long as he is moving and has something to commentate on, he is on top of the world. He is so patient with Dawson and although he is reaching the age in which a little brother is no longer cool, he really loves him.

He has the biggest smile and since he got his braces off three days ago, it is even bigger. He has a heart of gold. He will be a fantastic husband and father someday.

He is nine years old today. He is growing fast. And he is loved more and more each day!

Backtracking

I have finally decided to put pictures on my blog. I haven't done it before because of all the crazy stories I have heard, but I realized that for some of my stories to have meaning, the picture needs to be behind it. So, I am slowly going to be backtracking and adding pictures to my previous posts.

While I was getting ready to do this, I was reading some of my posts. It is amazing how much I forget so quickly. I am so glad I wrote down some of the funniest stories and moments and some of the achievements I have made. One of those was losing 15 pounds before going to Hawaii in March. I even kept it off when we came home. But, on this last vacation, I gained a little and then as soon as Liberty came home I gained some more. I eat most when I am tired and stressed and nothing has does that more than a new puppy. So, tonight I made a promise to myself to get the extra weight back off and even keep going towards my goal of ten additional pounds after that.

Sometimes I hate looking back. There are mistakes and regrets. But there is also laughter and happiness. And sometimes it just renews your perspective and gets you going again.

Sweet Liberty

The Fourth of July is about freedom and independence. Two things I have not had much of since bringing home sweet Liberty eight days ago. Liberty is our brand new, now seven week old, puppy. She is an adorable yellow lab which is working in her benefit right now. She has been long awaited by my boys and while I think that she will be awesome in the long run, I have noticed a couple of things about raising a puppy.


-Their sleep schedule is just as messed up as a newborn baby.

-When they decide they are hungry, they are hungry...not in ten minutes when the food has had a chance to soften, but now....which is why the book probably told me to prepare it early and have it on stand by.

-They are used to playing with, and biting, their litter mates. There is no regard as to whether it is a toy or an arm, they bite it.

-Their teeth are SHARP! Not cute sharp, but like little razors blades scaring me one day at a time.

-Unlike bringing home a new baby that hangs out in a bassinet for at least a couple of weeks, it is more like bringing home a toddler. Sure she sleeps a lot still, but when it is time to play, it is like a tornado blowing through the house.

On a positive note, she is very smart. In one week, she is already almost housebroken. She is learning to sit and to shake, although I think she is annoyed with this because when we tell her to sit, she does and then she waves her paw in the air as if to say, "I am shaking too. Any other tricks you want?" She is doing great in her crate. The boys and I actually left her today for three house to see a movie and she did good. She sleeps four hours straight and only gets up one time a night to go out. She is actually making my kids more responsible and less selfish, although that is a work in progress.

I am happy we took the plunge. I do think it will be great for the boys to grow up with her. Now I am just praying she will be the dog we have always hoped for. And #73 if officially off the to-do list.