Snowplow!!!

Yesterday I had the best day ever! It seriously was one of the most fun days we have had as a family, and I get to check #17 and #66 off my 101 list. We decided, very impulsively I might add, to take the kids out of school and go skiing. We had been tossing around the idea, but because I am practical we were looking at a half day of school for Colton and I was trying to schedule make up therapies for Dawson. Then on Wednesday afternoon we just decided to go for it...the next day. No notice, no make ups, just live life (definitely not my strong suit.) So when the kids came home from school on Wednesday I told them that they wouldn't be going to school on Thursday and as soon as dad got off shift, we were going skiing!

Both of my boys, as much as I love them, tend to be very dramatic and a little on the not so tough side. The way James and I envisioned this ski trip was to drive up, rent everything, have the kids complain while getting dressed, put them on the bunny hill, have them cry the first time they fell down, go drink hot cocoa in the lounge and leave. Maybe it was because my expectations were so low, but it was nothing like I thought and literally the best family day I can remember in a long time.

The boys were excited and asked questions the whole way up. Since neither James or I had skied in 15 years, we couldn't answer much, but we tried. They were so excited to get their gear and wanted to wear the ski boots up to the car to get the rest of our stuff on. When we first were getting them into their skis, they were a little uneasy, but they would go a couple feet, fall down and laugh. After about an hour, they were both getting really good. They were able to go a couple hundred feet down the hill and snowplow before falling. We had family races, took great pictures and smiled all day. The biggest complaint was carrying their skis back up the hill.

That, of course, was the boys. Then there is me. The first time I got on my skis, I took off. FAST. Flying down the hill, not really remembering how to work anything. I hear my hubby yelling, "Snowplow!" Yeah, not so much. I crashed hard! I had a headache, but we were having a good time so I didn't really pay attention to it. I kept skiing and crashed a couple more times, but on my butt and nothing like the first one. Then, as we were driving home I noticed my neck felt a little stiff and it was hard to look for cars when I was changing lanes. I wrote it off as just being sore and using muscles I hadn't in a long time.

This morning I woke up, stiff as a board. I was in the hall talking to James when I got really lightheaded. I decided to go into the doctor just to check it out. Then somehow through the process of x-rays and what not, I end up at the chiropractor. He tells me I have whiplash and that I tore my sternocleidomastoid muscle (in my neck). Lovely. That sounds like fun. Not! So, I get all the physical therapy necessary to be able just to turn my head. Then he tapes me up so my muscles can't go back to being tight and will be protected. It will more than likely be a 4-6 week recovery.

Even after all of the drama this morning, one thing stands. Yesterday was awesome! I would go 100 times and get hurt each and every one if it meant making memories that great. I am looking at this positively. This injury is just so I can think about that day for the next 4-6 weeks and find ways to recreate it doing other family activities. I better learn to snowplow!

What Store?!?

Today was an interesting day. First I woke up resolving to have a good day. Not just an average day, but a good day. I was not going to let anything get in my way either. And you know what...it worked! I had a pretty good day! I had a couple little moments, but caught myself and maintained a smile. I started my day with 3 hours of silence to catch up on my bible study and ended with Beth Moore telling me that as long as the Lord thinks I am beautiful, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Not bad.

My poor Colton did not have such a good day. He is so hard on himself, which I know he gets from both James and I. He ended up having to go talk to the intervention specialist at school. It breaks my heart because he is such a sweet boy. Lots of praying to do for him.

On a funny note though...Dawson had a field trip today to the library. One of the "grils" in his class was wearing bright blue tights. As he got off the bus it went like this.

Dawson: "How come she gets to wear blue pants?"
Me: "Honey, those are tights, they are for girls."
Dawson: "Can I have blue tights?"
Me: "No sweetie, only girls wear tights."
Dawson: "Where do you buy them?"
Me: "At the girly girl store." (Thinking that would end it.)
Dawson: "That's not fair."
Me: "Do you want some blue socks?"
Dawson: "YEAH!"
Me: "Ok, when I go to the store next, I will look for blue socks."

We got home and I was getting ready to go to the grocery store.

Dawson: "Where are you going."
Me: "To the store."
Dawson: "OH! The Boyly Boy store to get my socks?!?"

He cracks me up!

Overwhelmed!

So this is my second attempt at this post. I actually wrote an entire entry, posted it, walked to get Colton from school and came home and deleted it because I felt guilty that all I did was complain and feel sorry for myself in it. So now I am trying it again...

I feel overwhelmed. Again. With everything.

It really is not just any one thing in particular, but a huge compilation of events happening all at the same time. My grandma's funeral is tomorrow and my grandpa is still not doing great. He is in a rehab facility now, but James is going to have to help transport him to and from both services and we are all praying he is well enough to make it. Then there's Colton who has just been full of extra energy lately. He also has 2 ortho appointments coming up to hopefully finish the braces.

I think the biggest source of frustration is just feeling lost is with Dawson though. I need to sign him up for kindergarten on Monday. With Colton that meant filling out a handful of paperwork, proving residency and waiting until August to find out who his teacher is. With Dawson however, it means 7 testing appointments, and ISP meeting, a transition meeting, and a hearing eval. Plus he is "graduating" from one of his outside therapies so we need to have close out meetings for that. Then I have to take his schedule and mesh his outside therapies into it somehow. It's just a lot and I don't feel equipped or like I have the energy.

With all of that said though, I need to change my attitude. Earlier today when I wrote this, I wrote that I was going to have a pity party. Well, I have decided that I am not. I am going to pull myself up by the bootstraps and plaster a damn smile on my face if it is the last thing I do! And it is because, even though I am down and feel that this is hard, I KNOW it could be worse. I have my family here. All of them. We are all healthy. James has a stable job in an unstable economy. I have been BLESSED to stay home for almost 8 years with my kids which has proved to be a God send with Dawson's situation. My husband LOVES me and would do anything for me. My mom is supportive. My kids, although I don't always realize it, REALLY are GOOD kids.

I am blessed. I have a family that loves me and that I love more than anything. AND most importantly, I have my GOD who will give me all the energy I need, all the tools I need and all the support I need to get through this phase in my life. This too shall pass and until it does, I am choosing to lean on HIM!

Snow Clothes

This weekend we are planning on going up north. We booked this back at Christmas time with the hope that there would be snow, but either way, the kids are on a three day weekend and we just wanted a family getaway.

Backing up to when we went to Polar Express in December, there was a LOT of snow at the time. The kids had a hay day playing in it, except we don't have snow gear so it only took about an hour before they were soaked and freezing. Since skiing is on my goal list, we decided that we get some ski bibs for this trip that were big enough for next winter also.

Fast forward to today, February 10th, the middle of frickin' winter (since spring doesn't technically start until March 21st.) I went to four different sports places to find snow gear. Two stores have already shipped their stuff back..winter is over in there minds despite the 6" Flagstaff got yesterday and the fact that Prescott schools are on a snow day. Then I go to another store where the cheapest article of gear is $80! I don't think so. We live in the desert. We go to the snow a handful of times a year and I am not spending $80 per kid, they can be wet and cold for that. So in my desperate attempt, I go to one final store. One store that is having a sale on their snow items. A store with not a lot of a picked over selection. Since I am not a shopper, I did what I always do...what my husband hates. I picked out 3 sizes for everyone, bought them all, brought them home and in the comfort of my own house, my own mirror (that is nicer than theirs) we will try on everything, narrow it down and I will return the rest. Alone. Because my husband is embarrassed by this way of shopping. I am not a shopper. I have never been a shopper. And now I have 5 bags of $400 worth of snow crap sitting at my front door laughing at me.

On a total side note....Since I had the kids along with me for this adventure today, I told them they could pick what was for dinner. Colton picked Boston Market and begged to eat there. So as we are eating, in the restaurant, at 5:15pm, Dawson pipes up amid the silence and says, "I didn't just fart." Um, I think he may have. Random comments like that usually come up for a reason. My kids really do keep me on my toes!

Check Three Off The List

Somehow tonight when my brother in law and I were talking, I brought up my 101 list. I should have known this was a bad idea since Brian likes very much to razz me. So I started going through the list and he started laughing.

Me: "Exercise regularly."
Brian: "Like that will ever happen."
Me: "Get the closets and bathrooms done, wood floor, tile..."
Brian: "Is this your list or James?"
Me: "Stop swearing."
Brian: "Good luck with that!"
Me: "Be more joyful."
Brian: "Yep, you need that!"
Me: "And the last goal, be content even if I don't accomplish anything on the list."
Brian: "That's the stupidest one yet. Why do you have the list if you are not going to accomplish it?"

So during the debacle I realized a couple of things. I can combine a couple of my goals such as see the sunset on the beach and go to Hawaii for my 10 year anniversary (which is in the works.) Also, take the kids skiing and visit Colorado again may work if the planning is right. Voila! Lots of two for ones happening on my list!

I also noticed that I have actually accomplished three of my goals already. Who knew?!? I have been at this blog regularly for 8 weeks now. Check #6 off the list! I wanted to join another women's bible study. Well, not only did I join, but it even starts next Monday and it is another Beth Moore study. I am so excited, #55, done! Finally, I looked at #90 which was to make sure James has at least 1 free day a month to do whatever he wants. While I don't want to take that goal away, when looking back at my post Frustrations are Running High, I realized that he has had a lot of free days. I am so happy about this, although it doesn't appear so at the time I wrote that. He has had great opportunities to spend quality time with his dad and explore new hobbies.

As I sit here tonight, I feel a strange sense of accomplishment...even though I didn't realize until now that I was accomplishing anything. When I made the list, it was with the intention and desire of wanting to do all the things listed. However, when I wrote the last one, I meant that too. What I found tonight though is that I want to be content no matter what, but I don't want to lose that push and drive to actually make it through this list.

The Lines of Communication are OPEN!

I am SO excited! My dad and I have turned a huge corner. Actually, I have turned a huge corner. Ever since my mom and dad got divorced when I was 8, I have somehow ended up doing everything with the thought of, "will my dad notice me." It's not that he didn't notice me ever, I just never felt that pride I wanted to feel from him growing up. He has been married 5 times, so there have always been step-siblings and I have felt like I was competing with them. As I have grown up, I have had many moments where I have had my feelings hurt or been sad over a situation but I was always too afraid to talk to my dad about it. I love my dad dearly, but the person he was when I was little and how I have always viewed him was as a black or white kind of guy, not tremendously forgiving, kind of "hot-headed" if you will.

I have always talked to my dad at least a couple times a week, but since my grandma has been sick, we have been talking multiple times a day. I was his lifeline to what was going on here. Now that my grandma passed, my dad has been trying to decide if he was going to come out for the services. When he mentioned it to me, he said that he would be coming in late one night and leaving the afternoon of the next day. This broke my heart! I know that he is coming out for the purpose of the funeral, but I wanted him to take time to see us. We haven't been able to see him for 4 years and I want so desperately to see him and have him get to know my kids the way my mom and James' parents do.

In the last 7 years since my dad has been married, he has started attending church regularly and has a strong faith in God. I am not sure if that was why or if it was just because after watching my grandma pass, I realized I don't want to live life with things unsaid, with open wounds. So, although I was terrified, I sent him a very short email that just said that I was sad and that I really wanted to see him. We ended up talking for an hour. I told him things I had felt growing up and he explained that a lot of what I perceived about him was no longer true. After we talked he even sent me a very nice email letting me know that I have made him proud and that he does love me.

I still don't know if he will make it out or not, but I do know that a lot of what had made me sad turned into a deep hurt because I didn't address it. I am so thankful that I found the courage to talk to him and that he has grown as a man and we were able to have this moment between us before it was too late.

Remembering Grandma

I got the call yesterday afternoon that my grandma had passed away. Although I was expecting it, it hit me much harder than I would've thought. Not that I shouldn't have been sad, but this was my dad's mom. I rarely saw her growing up because we lived in Colorado and when my mom and I moved back to Arizona, she tried to have me see my grandparents, but it was always awkward. It was more of a step child feeling. Then in high school, I borrowed $100 from my grandparents and told them I would pay them back in 1 month, which ended up turning into 6. Looking back, I understand that they were trying to teach me responsibility, but I go no birthday or Christmas check that year and was even further alienated from the family. Once I had the boys, I made a valiant effort to keep in better contact with my grandma. I would call every month or so, she would tell me she would check her calendar to get together and then I would end up calling back 2 months later to see what happened and have my feelings hurt. At one point I even wrote her a letter explaining that I wasn't my dad, and felt as though I was being punished for his mistakes.

The last couple of years, I did see her more. In 2006, I took her and my mom to the Mother's Day Dinner at church. When my half-sister came to visit this summer we made an effort to see her. We would go have pie with her and my grandpa occasionally. And, when they started getting sick, I always made it to visit. She actually deemed me the "hospital runner." In the last 3 weeks since she had been really sick, I saw her almost every day. I spent countless hours stroking her arms and hair at hospice and even stayed the night. As weird as it sounds, since my dad didn't come to visit, I felt a strange sense of obligation to be there in his place, but even when I remove that from the equation, I still think I would have been there just as much. I handle the high stress situations better than anyone on either side of my family.

So yesterday, as I was getting home from the store and I got the call from my cousin, I was very calm and quiet. I was sad. However, when I got off the phone, a huge flood of emotion came over me and I started to cry. I really was sad. I was sad for all the years and memories missed out on for what I think are stupid reasons and I was sad for all the moments that were good that would be no more. There are definitely things I do that I know are from her and things I remember her telling me that I will carry for a lifetime. She had a full life, 74 years worth, 56 years of marriage, 3 children, 4 grandchildren, 9 great grandchildren and countless friends and lives she touched.

My favorite things she taught me was, "Surface clean before the party...deep clean after. Why do you want everything to be so nice before and then sit on a toilet after that someone probably peed on!" I miss you grandma!

Down to 968

I should have known when I wrote my list of 101 things to do in 1001 days that it wouldn't work so well for me. At least not until I am down to about 30 days. Although I am one of the most organized people I know, I am a HUGE procrastinator and somehow work extremely well under pressure. It is weird, but I seem to go through life completely stressed out of my mind, but if I am not under the gun, I am completely unproductive. You give me a day with nothing planned and that is just what I will do...nothing!

Some of my goals are in progress as far as trips we want to take, but it is a matter of timing and money. Some of my goals like house remodeling are waiting for us to hit the lottery. My personal goals, like stopping swearing are something that I have to wait for the day that it embarrasses me that I said something in front of someone and I get hit up the head by a 2x4. As I write this, I am thinking to myself how dumb that sounds. If I want to change something, why don't I just change it. I guess I am like an alcoholic in the sense that I haven't hit "rock bottom" with some of my habits.

Anyways, I have the list posted. I see it daily and I know it needs to be worked on. And I am sure it will be...in 900+ days. :)