What happened to January?

This has been a crazy start to the year. With both of my grandparents in the hospital, I have been tied up for the last 17 days. Then, this morning as I was sitting in my grandma's room, I noticed it said it was January 27th on her board. It's WHAT? Where is my month? How is it almost February? I don't have time for that!

My grandpa finally was healthy enough that he had his stent placed yesterday. Now they are talking about releasing him already as soon as he is able to walk. My grandpa is an incredibly strong man, but I don't know what he will do when he goes home to an empty house. My grandma has gotten worse every day. Last week they finally moved her to hospice. She was able to talk, just fatigued easy. Then on Saturday, we cried together. I told her I was sad and she said she was sad too. On Sunday, I brought Colton to say his goodbyes. When I told her he was there she whispered, "Hi little person." Yesterday, she no longer had the strength to speak, but I called my dad and when I put the phone to her ear, she opened her eyes while he spoke to her. Today, she was unresponsive. She didn't moan anymore or try to move. The nurse said the end is within a couple of days. Although I wasn't always close to her, it makes me sad. Since I have had my kids I have realized the importance and strength of family.

Now I have Colton home with his asthma kicking into full gear. I decided to let him stay home tomorrow from school since Dawson is home while the other class goes on a field trip. Maybe God has placed this "mental health" day in my lap so we can have a day to reconnect as a family. While I have been at the hospital and trying to be there for so much of my extended family, I have done a not so great job at being there for my own family. I am hoping to take tomorrow and just snuggle with my boys and make sure they know how important they are to me. I may even ask them what they've been doing for the last month!

What a Difference a Week Makes

This week has been much different from last week. I have not been nearly as stressed and James has been a completely different husband.

After last week, I decided that even though I still wanted to visit my grandparents and felt the need to be there more since my dad is so far away, that I needed to not kill myself to do it. I have made it up to see them when I have time and have enjoyed my visits more. My grandpa is doing okay, but still is in limbo waiting for his procedure. My grandma has been moved to hospice, the one sharing the parking lot with my grandpa's hospital. She is not doing well and it won't be long until she passes. I am not sure if she really knows I am there, but I still go and sit with her for the time I can.

James has done a 180 and is back to the wonderful man I married. I think that he has been under a lot of stress also with work and trying to fit everything in and make everyone happy since that is just his personality. After our argument last week, he worked a double, but he called a couple times a day to see how we were doing at home. Then on Monday, he came home from shift with flowers, which he used to always get me about once a month. That night after dinner, he had his brother Brian come watch the kids so we could go for a walk. Tuesday he worked again, but was much more kind on the phone and he asked me how I was doing. Wednesday he made dinner and then suggested a family walk. Last night he even took off half his shift so we could go out with some friends. It is rare that we have babysitting for a late night at the same time we have people to have a late night with, so it was really nice. We had a great time, laughing, flirting with each other and just getting back to who we really are as a couple. When I married James it was for all the wonderful qualities he had and this week they all came back.

So, I am happy to say I am heading into this weekend filled with JOY! I am feeling pretty good, confident in my marriage, satisfied with my family and ready to tackle this week.

Why Ask Why?

I know that kids are always learning and that it is our job to teach them, but I will never understand why people ask questions when they really don't need the answer. Today I was taking Dawson to school and the conversation went something like this:

Dawson: "Why do you take Colton to school in the van?"
Me: "Because dad had the Corolla and Colton doesn't like it anyways."
Dawson: "Do you like to take Colton in the van."
Me: "It doesn't matter to me. Do you want me to take you to school in the van?"
Dawson: "NO, I love the Corolla!"
Then why did you ask?!?!

Not even 2 minutes later he noticed the granola bar in my purse.
Dawson: "Is that your granola bar?"
Me: "Yes."
Dawson: "Are you going to eat it?"
Me: "Yes, do you want some?"
Dawson: "Nope, I am full."
Once again...why are we asking then?!?!

I swear he keeps me on my toes.

A Lesson In Faith

I learned a lot today as I watched the Cardinals game with Colton. In the first half they were doing so good and we were up 24-6. By the beginning of the 4th quarter, the Eagles had overcome us and it was 25-24. That's when I said, "Sorry Colton, I guess we might not make it to the Superbowl." He looked at me, almost with a confusion and said, "MOM, we still have 10 MINUTES!" We ended up winning the game and made history today, but what I was most blown away by was the blind faith of my 7 year old. He believed in his team, he believed in our quarterback who is a Christian, and he waited patiently to see what God would do. I am so proud of him!!

Murphy's Law

I swear that Murphy's Law prevails in my life much more than any of my friends. I know that is probably not true, but it is sure how I felt this morning when at 5:47am I hear my children awake. My children who did not go to bed early, did not have a nap and are not sick. The only reason I can think of that they would get up so early is because I went to bed too late, much later than usual. This isn't the only time this happens either. It happens all the time in reverse. Next week Colton has a 7:00am dentist appointment. I can guarantee that will be the morning he decides to sleep in and we will run around like crazy people in grumpy moods to get there in time.

I am trying to be more joyful and maybe God is going to test my ability to overcome with this wonderful morning I am starting with. Also, today I not only get to go see my grandpa in the hospital, but now my grandma has gone in too. To a different hospital. So in a little bit, I will be making the rounds. With a smile on my face. I am going to be intentional though and when I watch the Cardinals game this afternoon, I will be joyful whatever the outcome. Like they said in Facing the Giants, "We praise God when we win and we praise God when we lose."

And I praise God when a little Murphy's Law comes into my life.

*On a side note, everything is better with James. We talked it out that night and after I wrote down my frustrations, I felt much better. I knew this blog would be good for something!

Frustrations are running high

There has been more than one time this week where I have wished that my husband was a woman. Not for the gross part, but because I need him to understand me more. This has been an incredibly stressful week: my grandpa is in the hospital, my grandma needs 24 hour supervision, I had 2 packing jobs, volunteered at Colton's school for 3 hours Wednesday, had 2 basketball practices, and James was gone 4 out of 5 days and is headed into a double.

Maybe I am kidding myself, but I just think this week would have been much different if he had been a girl. For example, when he sees me going to the hospital every day, crying and stressed and I keep calling him with questions about what the monitors say because he is a paramedic, maybe he could have offered to come up with me once and explain things or ask questions I don't know to ask. Or when he went to Barrett Jackson on Thursday, which was planned for a month, and told me that although he was riding with a friend that he didn't think it would be a problem to make it home in time to help me get the boys to their simultaneous basketball practices, that when he realized he wasn't going to make it home, he could have tried to find someone to help me. Maybe he could have been the one to call the neighbor to ask instead of me. When I am frustrated and yelling at the kids, maybe he wouldn't look at me in judgment because he would understand that I am human and at my wits end. When we haven't spent any real time in 3 weeks together, maybe he would try to set something up instead of thinking I can run on empty forever.

Maybe, just maybe, this is me just being hormonal, spoiled and a complete pain in the butt. BUT, maybe it would have been a different week if he had thought like a woman. Now though, I need to let it go, move on and start a new week...with my husband who really is a pretty amazing man.

Life Happens

Sometimes I wish things would slow down some. I am, for the most part, an on the go kind of girl. I usually have my day jammed packed full of things to do and places to go and it has never bothered me. What bothers me is when something extra sneaks it's way in last minute and even if I can find a way to make it work, I don't like that it's not planned and it stresses me out.

That happened to me today. I was scheduled to make a meal for someone who just lost her husband and tonight my hubby was going to a movie with some friends. Then we realized we had an open morning so we decided yesterday to go for a hike. Even though he has a great schedule and is home a lot during the week, this is a rare event for us since he is usually doing car work or helping someone.

Then late last night I get a call letting me know that my grandpa is in the hospital. He is 77, has had diabetes for 25+ years and had quadruple bypass in '04, so a hospital visit is never good. To add to the plate, my grandma, his wife of over 55 years is at home battling bladder cancer and not doing well herself.

So, as I went to bed last night I played out my options for the day: skip the hike - didn't want to do that with all the examples of how precious time with a loved one can be; not go to see my grandparents - didn't want to do that because I don't know how long they have; not shower - not an option since my hair was going to be heading into day 3.

I surprised myself when this morning I woke up spontaneously at 6:24am. (That never happens.) I realized if I hurried, I could get the dinner made before I took Colton to school. So, with a minor amount of yelling and ignoring the kids, I got dinner made. Check that off my list. Then I realized I had a small amount of time before James got home from work to hike and if I only got halfway ready, I could get my shower done now. Another check. James and I went hiking and it was nice, although I am pathetically out of shape compared to him! When we got home, I grabbed lunch and headed out the door.

When I got to the hospital, I was headed into the room I was told my grandpa was in. I then found out that he had been moved to CCU because he couldn't breathe and his heart was beating irregularly. They had some weird contraption on him to help him breathe and said he may be intebated by the end of the day. Even though I am not extremely close to this set of grandparents, I am closer to him and it was really hard to see. When I walked in the room he looked so sad and even scared which is not an emotion he displays often. He grabbed my hand and held it the entire visit. When I left I just felt sad. Then I stopped by my grandma's to see how she was doing. She is having a very hard time lately, needs 24 hour care and misses my grandpa. When I sat down to talk with her, as she lay in bed with her eyes closed because talking is all the energy she can muster, she said, "I just wish we were going through this together."

It was at that moment that I thought, life happens. Sometimes the way we want, sometimes not. My grandparents are the fortunate ones in some respects. They have had a good life, 55 years of marriage, kids and grand kids. Now though they are suffering, having a hard time remembering and just plain ailing from old age and the complications that go along with it. I have lost a number of very important people in my life, ranging in age from a newborn to this. I don't think there is any easy time to lose someone or any easy age to go through suffering. Like I say in almost every post, you just have to enjoy what you can while you have it. ..... Now I am off to snuggle up with my boys and relax.

1 + 1 = What?

Let me preface this story with the fact that Dawson is 4. He does not know math yet, however he is an antagonizer.

We are at the table last night working on math with Colton when Dawson decides he knows more than his older brother.

Colton: "Oh yeah, what is 1 + 1?"
Dawson: "400"
Colton: "No it's not, it's 2. What is 2 + 3?"
Dawson: "400"
Colton: "Nope, wrong again, it's 5. What is 10 + 20?"
Dawson: "400"

Are you sensing a pattern here? Obvioulsy 400 is Dawson's favorite number.

Colton: "Ok, last one. What is 5 + 5?"
Dawson: "400"
Colton: "See Dawson you don't know math. You have to wait until you go to school to learn."
Dawson: "Yes I do, Colton what is 4 + 4?"
Colton: Playing along "400"
Dawson: "Nope, that is wrong. It's 500!"
Colton: "Whatever."

It was pretty funny to watch.

That darn snowflake!

Today I realized 2 things. The first is that your children pick up some of your habits you don't even realize you are displaying to them. The second is that I really need to work on my joy goal. I have always let people or situations steal my joy and once it is gone, I tend to let the rest of the day or week go downhill. I found out today that Colton is just like me.

I walked to school to pick him up and usually he runs by me, throws his backpack at me and runs to the park to play with his friends for 5 more minutes before we head home. Today though he came out dragging his feet and when I asked him about the park he said no with his head hanging down. As we started to walk he told me about his day. I guess they made snowflakes in class and however he folded and cut his, it didn't turn out. Right away his teacher helped him to make it right, but as he said, "I am the only kid in 2nd grade who can't cut a dumb snowflake!" I told him it was not a big deal, not to let it ruin his day and that we could practice at home if he wanted. He then replied, "And it's not just that, on morning recess I slipped on the bridge on the playground that was covered in frost and then at lunch recess ____ got mad at me because I went to play basketball with someone else and..." And at that very moment he went to take a drink out of his water bottle and it spilled all down his shirt. He made this loud growl sound and then stomped his foot and said, "I am THIS angry!" He had his fingers spread as wide as they could be. Then he squeezed them together and said, "I am only this happy." I stopped in my tracks, gave him a big hug, told him I loved him and asked him what we could do to change that. He replied, "Well, now I am only this angry," widening his fingers only three-fourths of the way, "and a little more happy. Your I love you helped a little."

When he said that I had to laugh to myself because I have had those days. Those days where you start out by spilling something and then drop something and then trip and so on. What I don't want to happen though is for my 7 year old to let joy slip through his fingers because he feels so defeated by little moments that won't even matter by the end of the day. When he got home we had 15 minutes to ourselves before Dawson came home. We hugged and cuddled and laughed at funny stories and by time Dawson came home, I think he was much better. Now I am here typing and I can hear them laughing and playing together in the other room. It's amazing to me how much our kids learn from us, even when we think there is nothing "watchable." I hope I remember this day and handle myself better the next time one of "those" days sneaks up on me. I want to be purposeful about hanging on to my joy.

No One Told Me

Actually that is not true. Everyone told me, I just didn't believe them or listen. I am talking about being a parent. This is one hard job!

I had been feeling a little overwhelmed over Christmas break. My boys are at such a fun age and yet such a frustrating one. Colton is now old enough that he can sit down and carry on a great conversation with me, I can explain things more in depth, and he loves to read, to himself. However, he also talks back, picks up wonderful language from kids at school and challenges almost everything I say. Dawson is at what I have found to be my favorite age. It is when I enjoyed Colton the most too. He wants to learn, he wants to go places with you (who knew a grocery store day care could be so exciting?!?) and he is still small enough to fit on my lap. But, like I have said before, Dawson zigs instead of zags. He goes against the grain, if for no other purpose than to get a rise out of someone. So over Christmas break I found myself wanting structure again, missing the routine of school days and wanting some peace and quiet around the house.

Well, I got it. Only it didn't leave me feeling how I'd hoped when I started the day. I wasted my 2 hours alone catching up on my DVR (real productive) and then when my kids did get home, we played games....3 of them, and laughed and wrestled and I even attempted "airplane rides" until I realized I was never going to walk again after trying to hold 65 pounds on my shins. So maybe I don't want them gone as much as I thought. I just want it to be nice when they are home. I cannot handle the whining, fighting and tattle-telling that took up most of my last 2 weeks.

Then came the structure I was looking for. Only I wasn't looking to be this structured. If you know me, you know that I am very organized, very timely and can squeeze a LOT of things into one day. However, I just found out tonight that my kids basketball games are exactly one hour apart every Saturday for the next 8 weeks. That wouldn't be a big deal if they were at the same school, but they are at schools 7 miles apart. And did I mention the games last 50 minutes. You want to talk about grab your snack and go! Now I have a call into my mom to see if she can help with the weeks James is on shift.

I think through all of this I am realizing that I am just discontented. Not with any one thing in particular either. I just feel like the life I knew keeps changing and I can't go fast enough to keep up with it. One day I am working and then I am staying home with a newborn. Then came the playgroups, park days and MOPS. That changed to AMFM, preschool and sports started for Colton. Then came Dawson's therapies, all 16 hours a week of them. Then Colton went to kindergarten and Dawson started preschool. This school year is halfway over and next year I will have a 3rd grader and a kindergartner. What do I do then? Do I stay home still, aid in Dawson's class like I did so diligently in Colton's? Do I enjoy the weekdays with my hubby when he is off, get in shape, go back to a bible study? Or do I get a job so I help James some, meet adults, have something that is mine?

When I was little everyone told me, "Time flies, especially the older you get!" They really weren't kidding. I guess I need to just find a way to enjoy the moment or phase I am in. Take it in for all it's worth so there is no looking back and take each day one day at a time. This is nowhere in my comfort zone, but it is in my 101 goals, so here I go trying again.

Tricked Ya!

This has been a long day. Not a bad day, just a long one. I don't know if I am still recovering from the holidays or just feeling overwhelmed with everything I need to get done, but I am pretty tired and not in the mood for a lot. This morning we went to the park with some friends and then Dawson had therapy. Then we met my mom to walk her dog, ate, and the kids are already in bed.

So Dawson is going through a definite phase where he only likes James. Not just that he only likes him, but he doesn't like me and he has no problem telling me or anyone else about it. Tonight as I was putting him to bed he started singing, "Goodnight Colton, Goodnight Dawson, Goodnight Daddy..." and then it came..."Goodbye Mommy." I no longer get Good Nights. I get Good Bye, please get out of my room now. Real nice. Of course, this made me remember what happened the other night. As we were putting the kids to bed Dawson asked for a back rub. This was literally 10 minutes after telling me, "he only liked Daddy." So I responded with, "I am sorry, but I only rub backs for kids that like me and since you don't, I will just be rubbing Colton's tonight." Right away he piped up, "But I do like you. I like you a little. Now will you rub my back?" I caved and as I am rubbing his back he starts to laugh and says, "Ha-ha, I tricked you!" Seriously, someday I am not going to do anything for this kid and he is going to realize that he really did like me. And for the record, my husband is loving this! At least I have Colton. He is definitely a Mama's Boy and not going anywhere.

101 goals in 1001 days

So my friend Katie has a great blog and her new topic is 101 goals in 1001 days. It intrigued me enough to come up with my own list (although I borrowed some of her ideas) and I am even going to let her know I have a blog so I can share my list with her.
So here it goes. By September 28, 2011 I would like to...
1. Go to Hawaii for my 10 year anniversary
2. Take my kids to Disney World
3. Go on a missions trip
4. Put wood floors in my house
5. Organize my photos
6. Keep a regular journal (or blog)
7. Work out consistently 3 to 4 times a week for 2 months
8. Read through the entire bible
9. Make it back to Colorado to visit
10. Organize the house and keep it that way for 30 days
11. Spend more quality time with the kids
12. Do a media fast for 3 days
13. Live within James' firefighting paycheck
14. Create a realistic housekeeping plan and stick to it
15. Go to a marriage conference
16. Hike the Grand Canyon
17. Take the kids skiing
18. Organize the garage (possibly getting cabinets)
19. Purge items we will never use again
20. Go on a cruise
21. Share my faith with a stranger
22. Keep the office clutter free for a month
23. Set up a homework routine for the kids
24. Do 25 random acts of kindness
25. Adopt an entire family for Christmas
26. Learn how to use my MP3 player
27. Volunteer at a homeless shelter
28. Figure out how to record home movies to DVD using my computer
29. Create a family mission statement and frame it
30. Purchase furniture for the front room
31. Install a fireplace
32. Get new countertops
33. Replace the bathtubs and showers in both bathrooms
34. Tile the kitchen, bathrooms and laundry room
35. Repaint the garage floor
36. Redo the master bedroom closet incorporating our old dresser
37. Stop swearing
38. Let the kids make most of the decisions for an entire day
39. Have ice cream for dinner
40. Go to a 4th of July display and sit up close to the action
41. Do a devotional with the kids every day for a month
42. Stick to a skin care regimen
43. Redo breast augmentation
44. Find the perfect fitting bra
45. Do 100 sit ups for 30 days straight
46. Work up to being able to do 20 regular push ups (as opposed to the 5 girl ones I can do now)
47. Floss daily for 2 weeks
48. Have a date once a week while the kids are in school for an entire month
49. Take family hikes on the weekend
50. Organize the junk drawers and get it down to drawer
51. Jog for 30 minutes straight
52. Make all 3 meals at home every day for an entire month
53. Have a great party
54. Pray every day for 30 days
55. Join another women's bible study
56. Make a great friend
57. Be more joyful
58. Don't worry about ANYTHING for 1 week
59. Learn to accept my in-laws (siblings too) for who they are and appreciate their quirks
60. Lead my mom back to Christ
61. See my dad
62. Redo the boys bedrooms and make them friendly and usable
63. Get the boys a laptop computer
64. Take a 2 night getaway from the kids yearly
65. Make a point of having a special day with each boy at least 3 times a year
66. Pull the kids out of school one day just to do something fun
67. Go to another Suns game
68. Go to the Renaissance Festival
69. Watch the sunset with James on the beach
70. Don't plan or schedule anything for 72 entire hours. Fly by the seat of my pants!
71. Camp out in the back yard as a family
72. Stay off the phone, not even answering it, for 48 hours
73. Consider getting a dog
74. Lose 10 pounds and keep it off without depriving myself, just controlling myself
75. Go on a shopping spree when I have maintained my body for 30 days
76. Don't drink any caffeine for 30 days
77. Go ice skating with the family
78. Go horseback riding as a family
79. Let my husband lead
80. Organize old momentos
81. Go to a tree lighting ceremony
82. Go to Phoenix First Assembly Chirstmas service
83. Go to the APS light parade
84. Rent a boat and take the boys to the lake for a day
85. Do the Hoover Dam tour
86. Recycle to the best of my abilites for 1 week
87. Meet our neighbors
88. Learn to play the drums
89. Trade James' jeep for a 4 door truck
90. Make sure James has 1 free day a month to do whatever he wants
91. Go to lunch with a girlfriend once a month for 3 months
92. Get a professional massage (since my favorite place went out of business)
93. Get a facial
94. Stain the kitchen cabinets and put the knobs we bought 6 months ago on them
95. Finish armorie
96. Figure out a good place for the video games
97. Have family game night twice a month
98. Take the kids to the driving range and/or golfing
99. Scrapbook
100. Look at the word of the day on KLOVE everyday
101. Be content with my life...even if I don't accomplish anything on this list

America...the 13 Colonies

My children make me laugh. It is so fun to watch them learning and funnier when they confuse the information they are taking in. Today we met Danelle, Mason and Jonah at the park. We decided to bring Chick-fil-A for lunch. As we were in the drive thru Dawson spotted a flag flying and said, "Look the America flag." To which Colton replied, "Yep, for our 13 colonies!" It made me chuckle because he just finished the unit at school teaching them about the history of the flag and how it started with the 13 colonies. Someday he will have all this information down, but for now I am enjoying being a part of the learning.